Fight for Mercy, Not Blood

One Sunday morning Willow wasn't feeling well and Isaac was working. I'm not one to feel bad for missing church when we need to, so Isaac and I had some text church instead. This is what flowed from His Holy Spirit within me before I even knew it and Isaac encouraged me to share it. Sounds like a couple of weirdos huh?  Well, we are. 

Look at those weirdos

We are raising children, ladies and gentlemen

Pray for them 

Alright, let's get back to the serious blog, right?  Here is what I felt within me: 

Something about being Christians makes us fighters. Which is good, but not when it makes us angry fighters as opposed to defenders. 1 Peter 3:15 says, "but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect."

But sometimes we fight the wrong things, thinking we're defending a God who doesn't need our valiant defending. When we use DEfense in the wrong way it looks a lot like OFfense. And we're accountable for that. Christians offended at every little thing and then fighting within that offense is wrong. 

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. 

Proverbs 19:11 

A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle. 

Proverbs 18:19 

Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. 

Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

God didn't say "be offended and then fight anyone that comes against you." He is not a God of offense. He wants us to have a reason for what we believe, no matter what anyone else believes.  A reason with gentleness and respect.

Sometimes we take a spiritual battle and try to fight it with earthly weapons (words). 

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 

We fight for things that don't matter, with skewed intentions. We fight so hard so that the Ten Commandments can hang anywhere we want them to, while never locking eyes with widows and orphans. We use scriptures to fight against people instead of using them to penetrate, even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; to judge the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 

We sometimes use the sword of scripture because we're out for blood, but blood has already been spilled. On our behalf, not out of our bodies, but out of HIS body. We shouldn't be out to cut people down with it, but to build people up. 

What should we fight for then?

We should fight for justice and mercy and against oppression and slavery. We should promote freedom, hope and love and share Jesus without arrogance, pride or the need to be right. Because we aren't right. He is. THE word himself, Jesus. 

Sometimes Facebook makes me crazy. Often, I want to maniacally shout:

I disagree with you in a way and I agree with you in a way. But that is based on the fact that I'm just relying on what I've been taught to agree and disagree with. BUT NOW I'm trying to find truth. Real Truth. So keep sharing your passive-aggressively angry memes and articles that make light of someone else's pain, while I stay over here studying and opening up and being confused and loving and willing to be wrong and knowing all of that's ok. 

Because I can be wrong and change but I CANNOT live my whole life being wrong and defending that wrong to my death until I get to Jesus and he says "child...where was the love and the defense? You fought against a lot of people and causes but who were you FOR?"

***

So, those were my thoughts on that Sunday morning.  I was wiping snotty noses and praying and texting my husband about Jesus. Here is what I'll add to that today.  Why does it not feel like Christians are bringing hope and love in the midst of the controversies swirling around? 

The scriptures they post are of love, but often reek of the Christian's pride and attitude instead of smelling like Jesus. The world can sniff that out immediately. And so can I. I'm disappointed but I don't have a solution. I don't know. It's confusing. 

What I wish would come as natural to us as proving our point is to love people by seeing them. Right where they are and seeing them through the eyes of Jesus. We need to be moved by compassion for the multitudes, not get angry at them for behaving in a way that is most likely a cry for help. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

Jesus sees them as worried and helpless like sheep without a shepherd. Not mean, rude, egotistical and obnoxious just because their view on life is different; because their histories are different. Let's pray for loving eyes, wisdom and the perspective of Jesus. Then, let's pray about the fact that we are ambassadors for Christ, to a lost and dying world.  How will we present ourselves? 

Above all

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:8-11

On Defending Your Truth

In reading Jesus' story, what has hit me this morning especially hard is that when He was mocked on the cross and people were being sarcastic in His pain, He didn't respond. They asked why - if he was a literal miracle worker - He didn't save himself, which of course alluded to the fact that He was NOT who He said He was. That He wasn't capable of miracles. He didn't defend Himself. HE KNEW the truth, HE KNEW what was coming, HE KNEW why...HE KNEW they would soon know. The end was more important than the present moment. The bigger picture was more important than making a defense for every comment with the little human energy He had left. He didn't have to defend the truth because the truth stood when He couldn't. And in a matter of days, many people would know and the shock of what was coming was the fuel that would push them to spread the word. In that moment, His quiet was louder than any earthly shout. HE DIDN'T HAVE TIME to address the naysayers, He had a bigger work to do. His energy was completely used up on the present moment. HIS PURPOSE. No lie or sarcastic comment will EVER touch purpose. It's so different from how we treat the truth today. As if we have to defend it to make it true. If you live your life in truth and people try to discount that verbally, you don't HAVE to defend it. You don't HAVE to waste the energy you have trying to make them see it. You speak your truth. You live your truth. Then you walk on. HOW FREEING IS THAT? As I was reading this, The Today Show was on in the background and I could hear them talking about presidential candidates bickering and I thought...man...how different would this be if they each just spoke their truths? They waste SO much energy defending what they believe that I actually don't even know what they believe. What is their truth? No one even knows. And we act all appalled at how they are behaving, but we are no different. We both defend our truth until its lost and demand that others defend theirs so that we can judge its worthiness. BUT WE CAN ALL CHANGE. Look at Jesus. Quit wasting so much energy defending yourself and just live whatever time you have left. I think if Jesus' teachings have taught me anything, it's that if we are defending something, may it be others. If our fists and voices are raised may it be against injustice. Mark 15:29 And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, “Aha! You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, 30 save yourself, and come down from the cross!” 31 So also the chief priests with the scribes mocked him to one another, saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. 32 Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.” Mark 14:53-65 And they led Jesus to the high priest. And all the chief priests and the elders and the scribes came together. 54 And Peter had followed him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. And he was sitting with the guards and warming himself at the fire. 55 Now the chief priests and the whole council[f] were seeking testimony against Jesus to put him to death, but they found none. 56 For many bore false witness against him, but their testimony did not agree. 57 And some stood up and bore false witness against him, saying, 58 “We heard him say, ‘I will destroy this temple that is made with hands, and in three days I will build another, not made with hands.’” 59 Yet even about this their testimony did not agree. 60 And the high priest stood up in the midst and asked Jesus, “Have you no answer to make? What is it that these men testify against you?”[g] 61 But he remained silent and made no answer. Again the high priest asked him, “Are you the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?” 62 And Jesus said, “I am, and you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven.” 63 And the high priest tore his garments and said, “What further witnesses do we need? 64 You have heard his blasphemy. What is your decision?” And they all condemned him as deserving death. 65 And some began to spit on him and to cover his face and to strike him, saying to him, “Prophesy!” And the guards received him with blows. He didn't answer to the accusations of others. Matthew 27:39 And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads 40 and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” 41 So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, 42 “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43 He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” 44 And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way. Luke 23: 34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”[b] And they cast lots to divide his garments. 35 And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” 36 The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine 37 and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” 38 There was also an inscription over him,[c] “This is the King of the Jews.” 39 One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him,[d] saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” 40 But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41 And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” 43 And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.

Self-Control: I suck at it...now what?

Yesterday, Pastor Steve completed talking about the fruits of the spirit (a series that I like to call, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE FRUIT!) teaching about self-control. It was so eye-opening to me. It wasn’t just a sermon…he showed us in the Word HOW to have self-control, he didn’t just speak the scripture and say, “just have it.” 

Kind of like when someone says something like, “give it to God,” and I’m screaming, “OK, BUT HOWWWWWWWWW? WHAT I NEED TO GIVE ISN’T TANGIBLE AND WHO I NEED TO GIVE IT TO ISN’T HUMAN.” 

I digress…

Instead of making it all pretty and flow, I’m just going to type out the notes I took and you can read them and think about them. 

*Self-control isn’t an issue of will power, it’s an issue of faith. The only way to fight the cravings we have (referring to addiction of any kind…TV, alcohol, pornography, food, money, work, etc.) is to fight the good fight of faith (see 1 Timothy 6:13)

*God is glorified IN your struggle as you struggle THROUGH it. 

*I found it especially cool that Colossians 1:29 says that, “For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.” Pastor Steve emphasized, WITH ALL HIS ENERGY. We struggle…but we have HIS energy. 

*You cannot defeat an addiction with a great moral code.
You know “you shouldn’t,” and then you do.
You promise “you’ll do better,” and then you don’t.
You say, “I’ll never do that again,” and you mean it, but you do it again. 

*You cannot overcome addiction with self-loathing.
You cannot overcome addiction with promises to those who love you.
You cannot overcome addiction with a renewed commitment to church and bible reading (although this is good). 

*So, how DO you overcome it/them? The only way to overcome a pleasure is to introduce a superior pleasure. 

Which is God, Himself. It’s why the Word says “taste and see that the Lord is good (see Psalm 34:8).

*Titus 2:11 says, “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, TRAINING US to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age…” So we are being trained to refuse or deny what the world offers and realize that the greater pleasure being offered to us is God Himself, and the hope we have in heaven. I need to start praying to TASTE that. 

*Like verse 14, I need to pray to be a person who is “zealous for good works.” To be a woman who eagerly desires to do good deeds, not be consumed by worldly passions (like TV, alcohol, pornography, food, any form of lust, being filled with envy, money, work, etc). 

*We are to fight the good fight of faith and seek God for pleasure in Christ. 

*If God loves me (and He does), then He’ll give me what is best for me. That’s God Himself. He is the treasure. He could give me everything I want, but it would mean nothing without Him. 

The following are my own thoughts at the end of the sermon: 

I don’t know how to open up my heart to God, really; to taste and see. I don’t know HOW to see His superior pleasure or enjoy it. 

I get hints of it, but I have a hard time LIVING in it. Intimacy in my relationships with people is a big issue for me (i suck at it) so of course that transfers to my relationship with God. I’ve gotten better though over the past 6 years or so. Slow but steady progress, so I’ll just keep going. I know now not to feel guilty for being this way and just keep learning. 

Example: I know how to wallow in the shadow of my sin at God’s feet, but I’m not so good at the dancing freely in His presence thing. Or letting Him slow dance me around for the pleasure of being with Him and being held. That tends to make me feel “icky” which may sound weird. I don’t know why I feel that way, but it’s ok because He’ll show me things in the awkwardness. 

This sermon gave me so much to think about. Thoughts? Whether you were there or not.

Alli's Mountain Shout #crushedit #listenup

One time, one of my closest friends went to the doctor for a sore throat and they called her later that day and said, 

"psych! It's leukemia." 

Ok, it didn't go down exactly like that but geez it was pretty close and just as unexpectedly. As I'm writing about this, she just finished up a week of chemo and she's now officially planning for a bone marrow transplant in about a month or so.  That quickly.  Isn't that just "punch ya in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic?" (thanks Rachel Green for that little gem). 

Of course, because it's Alli, she has turned this into pure fuel to live out her purpose. Before all of this happened, I heard her say so often that what she longed to do with her life was so simple: to meet with one person at a time and just LISTEN to them face-to-face; to INVEST in them; to LOVE them. All of them, one at a time and collectively. To dig in the hard soil of building up relationships as slowly as they need to be built. To listen just as intently to a person she may never see again as she does to me. 

bring...comfort...proclaim

This. 

This cancer. 

This leukemia...

Alli has decided, THIS is what God is using (not causing) in order to achieve this desired purpose in her life right now.  She has turned her pain into a platform for GOD'S glory. It's as if she's standing on a mountain called "whatever it takes" and she's shouting to each person she encounters, "God loves you, I am his ears...speak to me." A mountain that never would have arrived in such a dramatic way if not for leukemia, a mountain that she has decided to be thankful for and not waste a second of climbing.

  

Is she real life?  No one can say what they would do in this situation, but it's worth pointing out that she has CHOSEN to look at the mountain that has suddenly appeared on her straight and narrow road and without missing a step say, 

"I'm gonna climb this willingly, joyfully. Mountain, you may have set out to destroy me, but with your soil beneath my nails, and dusty sweat on my brow, I'm going to USE every piece of you as the Good Lord makes you submit to His purpose in my life. You thought you were my enemy but you've become my ally and there's not a thing you can do about it." 

All that know her aren't necessarily surprised that that's her heart, but what people want to do and what they actually do sometimes end up being two very different things. 

(*cough*Courtney Hutchinson*cough*)  

It's the human condition. But Allison Kays doesn't live conditionally.  She lives spiritually.  As in GOD'S HOLY SPIRIT is living inside of her. She's aware that some days will be a lot harder than others and she's also taking this time to rest. There are a lot of ways you can fight resting, even in pain and even when you can't move...but she's doing it on purpose because rest doesn't have to mean passive inactivity.  Rest sort of looks like climbing a mountain while you're lying in a hospital bed. Rest is work.

God taught me so much about mountains over the past year (which you can read about here, Mountain Mama: At the Base of an Unexpected Mountain ).  I was an actual mountain mover and the verse Matthew 17:20 suddenly became real to me. But, I think I began to think that all mountains were placed in front of us to be moved. 

Through Jesus and Alli, I'm starting to understand that mountains don't always equal bad, it's more about seeing the mountain and being obedient to the still, small voice within us. Sometimes God calls us to tell the mountains in our lives to move. Sometimes He calls us to set up camp at the bottom and wait. Yet other times He calls us to hike to the top with the equipment He's placed in our backpacks and proclaim the good news along the way, then from the top.  I moved my mountain; Alli is climbing hers. 

I guess sometimes God needs us to be elevated 

so that people take notice when we speak.  

When everyone is looking at US, 

we need to be looking at HIM. 

It reminds me of one of my favorite sermons from my Pastor (Steve  Wayne at Celebration Church in Huntington) titled: The Prisoners Are Listening--see Acts 16 surrounding verse 25.

Paul and Silas were chained up in prison--shackled and tortured.  Yet they were praying aloud and singing hymns to God (in all of that pain and fear) and it says that the other prisoners were listening to them.  Suddenly there was an earthquake and guess what happened?  The very foundation of what they stood on was shaken.  Did you hear that?  The prisoners' foundations were shaken. Then, their chains "came loose" and the door to their prison cells were opened.  Unexpectedly.  Just from HEARING other people sing praises to God and pray in the midst of extreme adversity.  The very adversity they suffered within.  

Paul and Silas stood on their mountain top 
--while immobile and imprisoned--

and sang back to God what 
they knew to be true about Him.
What He Himself has told them.

They prayerfully sang truth to Truth. 

They prayerfully sang that truth 

in the presence of the prisoners around them. 

And it changed everything.  It's what Alli is doing. She won't waste the time in this hard place. She'll sing truth to Truth and those around her will hear.  Whatever it takes to proclaim His name, to be His ears, to climb this mountain in His strength...she's in.  God wastes nothing--nothing in your past, nothing in your pain, nothing in your current circumstances.  My sister with leukemia is taking the sting out of it by refusing to bow down to it.  She's using it to speak the Truth of God to those who she encounters in this unexpected rest.  She will rise out of its ashes, of that I'm sure. How do I know this?

Because 1 Corinthians 15 says to THANK GOD because HE GIVES us victory OVER DEATH through Our Lord Jesus Christ.  Praise God. It is finished. 

This is the end of my blog and below, I'm going to give you a typed out version of Allison's #listenup challenge: 

I’ve really been praying that none of my experience here is wasted. I do not like to be the center of attention; it’s not comfortable for me when people have such beautiful, amazing, wonderful things to say about me--I just don’t know what to do with it.  I’m so much more comfortable turning the spotlight on God instead.

My passion in life, what my heart aches to do, is to spend one-on-one time with people and just listen.  I know how important it is because I have been blessed so much through counseling, myself. I know how much having a listener one-on-one can do for your heart when you just want to be heard.  It’s what I would be doing out there if I weren’t in here, so I finally have an answer for:

 “What can we do?

We want a job.

We want to help.”

God gave me an answer to your question last night during my devotion and prayer time.  I was in James 1:19 where it says,

“you must all be

 quick to listen,

slow to speak and

slow to get angry”

If you want to help me, here is how (a.k.a. your homework):

At some point in your day, take time – even if it’s 30 seconds– to listen, to really listen, to another human being. Slow things down, ask them how they’re doing and then really listen to the answer.  Can you listen up…for me?

Because everyone has something hard they’re going through

and everybody matters.

I talk to every person who comes in this hospital room because it takes the scary part out of all of this, but also because it makes me realize that the doctor or nurse or member of the housekeeping team I’m speaking to is A PERSON. I don’t want to know them as their title in this hospital; it helps my heart to connect with them. To realize that we’re all people first -- they just happen to be on the other side of this thing.

That’s what I’m asking you to do for me, while I’m in here and I would love it if you would hashtag it #listenup when you talk about it on social media.

I want you guys to #listenup.

There are people all around you that need to be heard.  

Even if you can’t do anything about what they’re telling you.

Even if you can’t fix one single thing about it, it’s ok.

Just listen.

Pray for that person.

Give it to the Lord.

And walk away knowing

 that what you’ve done is holy work.

I promise you it is holy work.  There is nothing that would make my heart happier than to know y’all have been doing the work that I can’t do right now from this hospital room.  I would REALLY love to see you hashtag #listenup and let me know that you’ve done your homework.

I think that you’ll find that it will change your heart; it’ll change the way you live your life and the way that you interact with the people around you.

There is nothing that we can do to change the vast majority of the hurt in people’s lives, but it’s there so just see if you can find it.  Sometimes like the infection in a wound that needs cleaned out, the infection that is just sitting there stagnant, it just needs to be released.  To get out.

So, I’m going to trust you guys to do that mostly because God told me to tell you that; to give you THAT specific answer when you ask, “what can I do?” It’s the BEST thing you could do for me right now because I want to see God get glory and see lives changed in His name because you STOPPED to do this.

Our world is so fast, and attention is at a premium, which is why commercials are so valuable.  They get you for 30 seconds and that’s a big deal, so take 30 seconds of your life and give it to somebody else. 

Look for the hurt and bear that burden with them.

Look for the joy and celebrate with them.

Even if you don’t know the person you’re listening to--it could be a cashier at a gas station or the person working the drive thru at McDonald’s—just #listenup.

I’m hopeful for y’all. I love each and every one of you and truly hope that you know how much I miss you. But rest asssured that God is doing something holy in room 5917, in my heart, and with you guys too. I just know it.

I’m not worried.

Ok…I’m a little bit worried. 

I’m not looking forward to the side effects that are coming, BUT for right now, I’m healthy and I feel good so I’m going to scoop up that joy and just celebrate today. You guys can celebrate with me.

My good friend Jennifer Bowen said, “combat comes before victory,” so I know I have to fight. I know.  I also know that victory is on the other side of this.

I love you guys so much and I could not do this without you. When you think about me and are tempted to worry, just remember your homework: #listenup and then tell the world.

Willow's End of the Year IEP

Willow’s last day of school is tomorrow and this morning we had her last IEP meeting for the year.  If you aren’t familiar with IEPs, I’m going to tell you a few things we talked about and how Willow is progressing. 

She has made SO MUCH progress, it’s wild!  I know this because we went over every word of a 20 page document noting how each therapy is going haha.  I’ll give you a few of her stats to show you what we talk about in these meetings.

*Willow is currently 45 months old (no, I’m not THAT mom haha, this is for reference)

*Self-care she functions at 24 months old

*Adult interaction she functions at 34 months (woohoo)

*Peer interaction, 25 months old

*Gross motor skills, 28 months old

*Fine motor skills, 13 months old  (this and speech are her biggest issues)

*Attention and memory, 22 months old

This year, she has learned what hot means and not to touch things that may hurt her, but she still has trouble demonstrating caution and avoiding common dangers. 

She sits on the potty at school and occasionally pees (how awesome is it that potty training is in her IEP?!).

She struggles with being in a group and doing things without constant reminders. If the classroom gets too rowdy, they told me she covers her ears and screams, “TOOOO LOUD” which made me giggle and made me proud that she’s letting them know.

She still has some low muscle tone issues in her left arm and around her mouth.  The speech therapist used the word apraxia a lot so that diagnosis is officially on the table now (childhood apraxia of speech).  She can’t round her lips well in speech, so duck face selfies were prescribed (um, no haha j/k).   The IEP says she has a “moderate to severe communication disorder indicating a significant performance gap between her and her same age peers.”

As for occupational therapy, this is what it says: “Willow exhibits a performance gap in the areas of visual-motor, visual perception, fine-motor, strength and endurance, motor planning, bilateral coordination, sensory processing and modulation, and self-help skills as compared to typical same-age peers.”  She can’t use both of her hands together very well and they work on her toleration of her sensory environment at school.  Her attention and memory need some major work for her age but her reasoning, perception and concept skills have really come a long way!

It was interesting…they pointed out that when you look at her at play you may not notice her deficits as much because you just see a running, laughing toddler, but when you sit down with her, it becomes more obvious.  This is good because then we know what to work on and how to help her. I am so thankful for the people in this meeting, and all of the therapists that have spent so much time investing in her future.  All of her therapists and New Beginnings have changed her future.

I heard so many good things about my Willow Gracen today from people who not only teach and help her, but who love her.  She’s obedient. When she wants something she likes to offer to trade and if it doesn’t go her way, she just moves on (some adults don’t do that haha), She’s starting to use the word “I” in sentences (that is brand new, just this week). She likes to make sure others are included at times.

And as always, Willow loves Timmy with all of her heart. #iep #yeahyouknowme #willowandtimmyforever