Willow's End of the Year IEP

Willow’s last day of school is tomorrow and this morning we had her last IEP meeting for the year.  If you aren’t familiar with IEPs, I’m going to tell you a few things we talked about and how Willow is progressing. 

She has made SO MUCH progress, it’s wild!  I know this because we went over every word of a 20 page document noting how each therapy is going haha.  I’ll give you a few of her stats to show you what we talk about in these meetings.

*Willow is currently 45 months old (no, I’m not THAT mom haha, this is for reference)

*Self-care she functions at 24 months old

*Adult interaction she functions at 34 months (woohoo)

*Peer interaction, 25 months old

*Gross motor skills, 28 months old

*Fine motor skills, 13 months old  (this and speech are her biggest issues)

*Attention and memory, 22 months old

This year, she has learned what hot means and not to touch things that may hurt her, but she still has trouble demonstrating caution and avoiding common dangers. 

She sits on the potty at school and occasionally pees (how awesome is it that potty training is in her IEP?!).

She struggles with being in a group and doing things without constant reminders. If the classroom gets too rowdy, they told me she covers her ears and screams, “TOOOO LOUD” which made me giggle and made me proud that she’s letting them know.

She still has some low muscle tone issues in her left arm and around her mouth.  The speech therapist used the word apraxia a lot so that diagnosis is officially on the table now (childhood apraxia of speech).  She can’t round her lips well in speech, so duck face selfies were prescribed (um, no haha j/k).   The IEP says she has a “moderate to severe communication disorder indicating a significant performance gap between her and her same age peers.”

As for occupational therapy, this is what it says: “Willow exhibits a performance gap in the areas of visual-motor, visual perception, fine-motor, strength and endurance, motor planning, bilateral coordination, sensory processing and modulation, and self-help skills as compared to typical same-age peers.”  She can’t use both of her hands together very well and they work on her toleration of her sensory environment at school.  Her attention and memory need some major work for her age but her reasoning, perception and concept skills have really come a long way!

It was interesting…they pointed out that when you look at her at play you may not notice her deficits as much because you just see a running, laughing toddler, but when you sit down with her, it becomes more obvious.  This is good because then we know what to work on and how to help her. I am so thankful for the people in this meeting, and all of the therapists that have spent so much time investing in her future.  All of her therapists and New Beginnings have changed her future.

I heard so many good things about my Willow Gracen today from people who not only teach and help her, but who love her.  She’s obedient. When she wants something she likes to offer to trade and if it doesn’t go her way, she just moves on (some adults don’t do that haha), She’s starting to use the word “I” in sentences (that is brand new, just this week). She likes to make sure others are included at times.

And as always, Willow loves Timmy with all of her heart. #iep #yeahyouknowme #willowandtimmyforever

Mommy in the Morning: Lessons for my Littles (Mother's Day 2017)

My three little HutchPuppies, I have some things to tell you after a long night. 

Sometimes mommy looks like she does in Easter pics, all dressed up with sunlight streaming behind her curled hair. Expecting the snap of the camera and preparing for it.  

Dressed up and confident. 

Sometimes mommy looks like she does most days, pushing a shopping cart full of safe food, wearing a Star Wars t-shirt while her toddler is sprawled on the store floor, tantruming. She plays a word game on her phone and waits it out, idly smiling at the people giggling at the dramatics of the little girl kicking on the floor. 

Dressed typical and confident. 

Sometimes mommy looks like yoga pants and coffee at the park while her kids play happily and she gives knowing looks of solidarity and “don’t worry about it, I've been there SO many times, can I help?” looks to other parents of tantrumers. 

Dressed down and confident. 

And then sometimes mommy looks like this:

A shadow of herself after a long night of getting a child safely through a seizure and back to sleep.  Staying up to play the what-if game, googling new symptoms, texting her sisters who are the Aaron and Hur to her Moses arms, questioning whether she should call Cincinnati... Up all hours of the night talking herself back into faith as her heart pounds out of her chest, even when the immediate threat is gone. It’s because she knows it’s never really gone, even if her little man doesn't. She'll forever bear that information as long as he doesn't have to. 

Under the covers and uncertain.

Just let him be a kid, she pleads into the space she's staring into as the coffee grows cold in the mug she clutches. 

And then, no, I don't care about that right now; just keep him alive.

Wait, I do care about that, I want both.

I want him happy

I want him safe. 

I want him. 

I want.

I...

don't know.

Help me, God. 

Help us. 

And then she enters into the place God wanted her all along. 

Morning begins. 

Mommy awakens. 

Here is a secret, my littles: as mommies, we all wake up looking like this from time to time and in some mommy seasons, it’s like this every morning.  Eyes swollen from lack of sleep and/or crying. 

Thinking. 

Planning. 

Googling. 

Worrying. 

Praying.  

Pleading. 

SleepingWaking.

Checking.

SleepingWaking. 

Checking.

SleepingWaking. 

Checking.

As you sleep, peacefully unaware.

Whether it be bad dreams, a stomach virus, life with an infant, childhood fears, our own bully fears, or being on seizure watch, all mommies wake up to mornings like this: 

When you're hungover from a long night of whatever and you can almost feel the new wrinkles being forged across the skin of your face by the night you just survived; by the claws of fear that don't want to let you out of its grip... Wrinkles become battle scars after nights like that. 

When you can feel how swollen your eyelids are because you can't open them up as wide as usual, and it makes you even more sleepy than you already are and you desperately want to give into their heaviness; they drape and droop and browbeat you into giving up...

When you see a black smudge of eyeliner trailing from the side of your eye (war paint) and you don’t even attempt to tame your wild hair.  You just grab your coffee, cry some more and sit. Stare. Sip. Repeat... 

It's then that you force yourself to be thankful for something...anything...that the night has ended and the sun has faithfully risen, but you know night comes again. It always comes. 

You start to feel like you are disappearing into the background; you wish for it and then you are saved from the depths by the weakest little early morning voice, whimpering...

"mommy..." 

You come back to life. 

How is it that humanity can be saved by the cry of a little one in so many different ways? Jesus...

You take a deep breath and even if you're still crying and exhausted, you make breakfast, change diapers, give medicine, look at the calendar, make lists, answer millions of questions, call the insurance company (again), check your email for instructions from the doctor, get big sister ready for dance try-outs and try not to do it appearing lifeless. 

Hey littles, that is the mommy life. Sometimes mommy looks put together, sometimes mommy looks like she’s falling apart and it’s all beautiful and needed. You need to see that this is the reality of living and loving and it's ok. You need to see mommy feel it, give into it, and then be pulled out of it by the strong arms of a Savior. How else will you know the normal process? Some of my trials exist so yours don't have to. It's motherhood.

Sweet littles and bigs:

Mommy is so, so tired sometimes 

that you don’t get the best of her.  

I'm sorry, and that’s also ok. 

Sometimes the little man the she tries 

so hard to keep alive at night, 

she snaps at the next morning. 

I'm sorry, and that's also ok.

I know it doesn't feel fair. For any of us. It seems that some of your friends' families get bright, sunshiny weather, while we get thunderstorms and hurricanes. Your friends play ball, go to Disney every year, and eat out wherever they want, but let your mommy tell you something that is crazy important:  FAIR. IS. AN. ILLUSION. 

Illusion: (noun) something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality; a perception that represents what is perceived in a way different from the way it is in reality; very thin, delicate; for appearances 

So the illusion of FAIR deceives you, FAIR is a liar, FAIR is perceived differently by everyone in every situation, FAIR is weak, delicate, easily disrupted and changes all the time. You don't find strength in FAIR. 

DON'T. BELIEVE. IN FAIR. 

Everyone has their stuff they carry 

and just because it looks lighter than yours, 

you never know how weak or strong 

the arms are that carry it. 

Instead of judging the contents of their baggage, we simply show them how to let go of it; whose arms to place it into. It's our job as citizens of Heaven, as aliens in this world where we are ambassadors for Christ. 

We never judge the validity of someone else's pain and struggles and we never assume we have it worse, ya got that?  Life is so much bigger and better than that!  Arms locked, this is what The Hutchinsons will tell the world!  It is Good News, my little HutchPuppies, and you GET TO tell it.  

But that’s a lesson we work through.Together. 

While it may not feel worth it now, it's building you up into the adult you'll soon be.  You go into the fire (trials), come out, and then when your imperfections are revealed by the heat of the flames, you can allow them to be taken off of you. Removed forever. 

As a family, we may go into the fire more than others, but our arms are locked in unity at all times-- so sweet babies when you go into that fire, mommy goes in, too. We all go. I myself have PLENTY of imperfections to be removed anyway, so a fire will do me good. 

Trials are fire.

Fire reveals imperfections. 

Imperfections exposed can be removed.

Removed imperfections by fire become testimonies.

Testimonies save others from ever entering the fire you just came out of. 

Purpose. 

Worth it. 

Hard. 

I would never choose it for myself or you, my littles, so I have to be thankful the choice is taken out of my hands by Perfect Love. 

So much of life can be summed up like this: while it may not FEEL good, it IS good. Emotions can be beautiful as scenery on your path, but don't trust them as guides. 

I may look like this some mornings, 

but see those sparkles in my eyes?  

Those are you, my children, and those are what keep me going

Mommy looks like a lot of things and that’s more than ok, it’s expected.  My swollen eyes and blank stare just show that I love you and I've spent a long night waging war in the strength that God has given me.  When you grow older, I hope you’ll remember that more than anything.  

I am weak, but He is Strong. 

Yes, Jesus loves me. 

I would live looking and feeling like this as long as you live knowing how sustained and loved you are by your Heavenly Father. And as well as I humanly know how, I will hold you up, too.  Always.


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The Lord's Prayer, Dissected

Every few years I look at each individual word of The Lord's Prayer. It seems that I always find something that I didn't realize the times before. Sometimes I even realize that I've been wrong about something, so please know that these are just musings and I'm not presenting my findings as insights that are "right." 

A few weeks ago, Pastor Steve encouraged me to buy the ESV Strong's Bible app by Olive Tree for my phone.  I trusted him on it because he loves words and their derivations as much as I do.  So I spent the most I've ever spent on an app (a whopping $20 haha) and started looking around.  (You can look at the app here. ) I used it to look at most of the words in the prayer above and this blog will be the definitions I found and what they mean to me.  Here is the passage from Matthew 6:7-13

And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.  Pray then like this:

 Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.  Pray then like this:
pray: supplicate, worship 
phrases: to repeat the same things over and over, to use many idle words, to babble, wordy  
Gentiles: heathen 
words: much speaking 
ask: call for, crave, desire, required 
like: in this way 

Courtney's thoughts (which are NEVER comparable to God's word and ONLY serve to connect some things in my head as GOD teaches and molds me): 

When you ask your Father for something honestly and humbly, don't just repeat a bunch of words over and over that you think sound "spiritual" or "good." Be honest, transparent. 

Bring your requests before Him and address GOD, not the people listening to you pray to Him. Don't let your prayer language be a copy of someone else's-like heathens who pray for performance. All of that is just useless babbling, a lot of pretty words that don't really mean anything. Your Father knows what you desire, what you crave to receive from Him before you even form the words to ask Him.  He just wants you.  Pray then in this way: 


 Our Father in Heaven 
father: the author of a family 
in: a fixed position 
heaven: eternity 

Courtney's thoughts: I am addressing my creator, the author of my story and our family. The head of the household. He exists firmly and permanently within eternity, which is His home, our future home: heaven. 

Hallowed be your name 
hallowed: holy, pure, acknowledged as separate
name: authority, character, rank, command
The name is used for everything the name covers, everything the thought or feeling of which is aroused in the mind by mentioning, hearing, remembering the name is how you call on someone. (I LOVE THIS)

Courtney's thoughts: After addressing my Father by his relation to me, I worship that name by acknowledging it as holy, pure, separate from any other name. By doing so, I'm recognizing that He has an authority that no one else has. It elevates Him and places Him above all else. 

It doesn't mean we have the power to put Him there, it's more like getting our minds in a place where we see Him where He actually is and for me, that humbles me. That's always a good position for me to be in as I pray.

We use His name because it reminds us what He has done in the past and the feelings that love aroused in us.  It's as if, in the second it takes to say His name, He does those things again for us. 

So STEP 1, the way we begin the prayer, is by exalting His name; 

repeating back to Him who He is...not because He doesn't know 

but because He wants to hear that WE know.  

Your kingdom come
kingdom: in heaven; the right to rule over a kingdom; royal power of Jesus; foundation of power; what we belong to; what belongs to the king 
come: appear, arise, find influence, be established 

Courtney's thoughts: His kingdom is in heaven and he is the one who rules over it all.  We belong to the king who rules over the kingdom and we should yearn for that kingdom to arise and be established so that we can be a part of it.  We should pray that His kingdom find influence in a place where it is not (earth). 

Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
will: purpose
done: become, be fulfilled, grow, happen, be married 
earth: abode of men and animals; it has fixed boundaries 
heaven: eternity (so then no fixed boundaries)

Courtney's thoughts: Father, may your ultimate purpose be fulfilled where you placed your children to live. 

I found it really cool that it mentioned that earth has fixed boundaries as opposed to heaven which I guess does not. Heaven is eternity and doesn't need boundaries? Why would it? 

STEP 2 is telling Him that we yearn to be 

where He is but if we can't be there, 

we'll stay here and accept His 

will until we are. This part of the prayer also 
displays the faith and assurance we have that 

we will be united with Him after death. 

Give us this day 
give: bring forth, make, supply 
do this of your own accord, willingly
day: generally, now; present 

Courtney's thoughts:  "Give" sounds so demanding but maybe it's more of a passionate way to ask that God supply us with what we need for each day. A silent "please" at the beginning. Or maybe by not asking that He give, it shows faith because that's such a vulnerable place to be; to rely on someone for sustenance. 

Our daily bread 
daily: expected, needed
bread: food of any kind or bread; the bread of our necessity; the bread that suffices for each day

Courtney's thoughts: It also stated that back in the day, they made bread long and small. It was not to be cut, but broken and shared. Alluding to Jesus, I'm assuming. 

We faithfully ask that you supply us in THIS day with the bread we have come to trust that you provide, as expected, every day. The bread that we need and the bread that is enough for each day.  But only that day so that we wake up hungry for more the next day. We use the food you give us as fuel for our bodies in order to serve you. 

We aren't scared about where our food comes from when you have it ready for us morning after morning after morning. We don't even have to hoard it or ration it because you supply it new everyday.  

Over the past year, I have found such freedom in realizing that we are only responsible for one day at a time because that's all He prepares us for.  This chapter in Matthew goes on to say, "therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself" (verse 34). 

STEP 3 of the prayer is asking that 

He prepare our bodies with sustenance to serve Him, 

while at the same time recognizing that He alone 

is the supplier of what we need.  

And forgive us our debts 
forgive:  lay aside, omit, give up a debt 
debt: something justly owed, a fault, 

Courtney's thoughts: Along with being fed, please Lord, because we are sinners in need of a savior, we ask that you forgive us for what we do against you. Please lay aside the filth we hand to you that we don't know what to do with. Thank you for forgiving a debt that we rightly owe to you. Thank you for sending your son to die for the sins we ourselves commit. 

As we also have forgiven our debtors
as: like, since 
forgiven: to have laid aside/omitted/given up a debt 
debtors: a person indebted to us, a delinquent, a sinner, obligated to us, bound by a duty to us 
(wow) One who has not yet made amends to whom he has injured. 

Courtney's thoughts: BECAUSE of your great love and forgiveness you lavish on us, we forgive those who are indebted to us; who treat us with malice; who hurt our bodies and souls; even those who have not asked for such a forgiveness. We forgive every time and fully, AS He has forgiven us (or He isn't able to forgive us). 

STEP 4 is acknowledging that we are sinners in need of 

being saved from our inclination to sin. 

It's humbly asking Him to forgive us for sinning 

 AS we forgive the debts owed to us,

AS we forgive those who do bad things to us,

even if they don't ask to be forgiven. 

And lead us not into temptation 
lead (us not): don't bring us into 
temptation: adversity, an experiment, a trial,  
The trial of a man's fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy. An enticement to sin, temptation -- like how the devil sought to divert Jesus the Messiah from his diving errand. Adversity, affliction, trouble: sent by God and serving to test or prove one's character, faith, holiness. To attempt to induce one to commit some (especially carnal) crime. 

Courtney's thoughts: This line always confused me.  Why would we have to ask that God not lead us into something bad like temptation?  Of course He wouldn't right?  But, I had some insight this time. 

I get the feeling that it's sort of like, "God, please don't let us be led to a place where we end up having to fight to prove our integrity and our commitment to you."  As in, maybe 2 different things. 

1. That God would lead us there or allow us to be led there (think Job) as a test to prove our faith. 

2. That we would have the strength to not go down those paths willingly, due to poor choices or because we were flirting with sin. Sometimes when you get too close to evil, the only way out is to fight a fight that should have never existed in the first place. 

But deliver us from evil
deliver: rescue us 
evil: the devil, those of bad character, wicked ones; those who cause pain and trouble; anguish, pain, great trouble, intense desire for it

Courtney's thoughts: Lord, rescue us from the enemy!  Rescue us from those who cause pain and rejoice in our suffering.  Rescue us from our desire to want things that are not of You and are not good for us.  Rescue us from the anguish that comes from living in this world. 

YOU. ARE. THE RESCUER. 

STEP 5 is asking God to strengthen us to be 

the type of person that doesn't need a trial to prove 

our commitment to Him.  Let it pour off of us!  

Let our devotion to You Lord never be in question 

and rescue us from the evils of this world 

(which includes our flesh)!

The last thing that I will do is simply put the steps in order below, so that I can think about them as I pray. These steps are not important compared to the blueprint He's already given us in His prayer.  They'll just jog my memory about what I've learned. 

STEP 1 

The way we begin the prayer, is by exalting His name; 

repeating back to Him who He is-
not because He doesn't know 

but because He wants to hear that WE know.  

STEP 2 

We tell Him that we yearn to be 

where He is but if we can't be there, 

we'll stay here and accept His 

will until we are.
This part of the prayer also 
displays the faith and assurance we have that 

we will be united with Him after death. 

STEP 3 

We ask that He prepare our bodies 

with sustenance to serve Him, 

while at the same time recognizing that 

He alone is the supplier of what we need. 

STEP 4 

We acknowledge that we are sinners in need of 

being saved from our inclination to sin. 

It's humbly asking Him to forgive us for sinning 

AS we forgive the debts owed to us,

AS we forgive those who do bad things to us,

even if they don't ask to be forgiven.  

STEP 5 

We ask God to strengthen us to be the type of person 

that doesn't need a trial to prove our commitment to Him.  

Let it pour off of us!  Let our devotion to You Lord 

never be in question and rescue us from the evils 

of this world (which includes our flesh)!

Amen

Amen means "so be it" or literally, "truth." As in, what you just said was the truth, so let it be. 

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