The Truth Is

Last night, I woke up at 2am and had one line from God in my mind.  I typed it out and suddenly, my fingers just wouldn't stop.  For 45 minutes, His Spirit poured out words through my fingers. I remembered that it has happened, but not what was written, so when I read it, it was brand new to me.  I love it when that happens...The following is what I wrote, edited just a little: 

It's feels like epilepsy doesn't exist. 

And not just that, but that it never did. 

(That was the line God gave me.)

It's like after the hardest day of the hardest winter, we fell asleep completely spent, dreading the rest of the season and we woke up to the most glorious summer day. And another and another and another...

Wait, what was winter like again?

I find myself neglecting to expect a seizure. I can't even make myself worry about seizure life or the threat of anaphylaxis. 

I rarely even post on his Facebook page anymore because it doesn't feel real anymore; like it never happened. It is the most surreal thing and I can't even imagine that he'll ever have another seizure. Thinking back to his first one that we knew was a seizure--videoing him shaking, fear in his eyes as tears rolled down his cheeks but he couldn't speak--I can't believe that was us. 

I want to stress something important.  All of this is a feeling. A feeling that God has given me and I don't know why. I'm still just as vigilant and he takes his meds, he doesn't shower or bathe without me sitting outside the door and talking to him...we do all the epilepsy things. It just feels like we're doing it for show, almost. I know we aren't. But it feels like it. 

It doesn't feel like a time to proclaim a miraculous physical healing either. I think I'm just supposed to feel like that life of constant vigilance and fear and tears was someone else's life. Part of it is probably my own mental healing. We've never made it this long in between doctor appointments. It's like all of the good things are hitting at the same time and I can see God's hand in the plan. You don't always get that ya know? And right when you give up on "seeing" being an option BAM! 

God. 

Hands. 

Plans. 

Because I'm me, sometimes this awesome summer feeling comes with a slight feeling of heaviness. Not a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling...it's hard to explain. I think it's just a lifetime of depression/anxiety and new PTSD training my mind to look at things a certain way and suddenly, I have to say, "NO. that is not reality and I know that now," but my feelings aren't so quick to catch on. 

Depression almost feels good 

because it's what I know 

and it's how I can retreat 

when I'm overwhelmed. 

My mind was desperate to cope with normal life and then all of the hard, hard stuff came and depression was trying to protect me. Us. And it just got very dysfunctional. Like a child who has been beaten by trusted caretakers, she becomes a little girl who exists in a shell, because who can get to her under her armor? She thinks no one can, but it actually makes her more vulnerable to being hurt in lasting ways. Our minds are very strong protectors but not always in the right ways. The mind just takes the most protective approach right away with some people. Examples:

Strong wind? Must be the end of the world let's take shelter underground. 

A little rain? Flooding of our home is imminent, evacuate to the mountains and never come back. 

Here's the thing that my mind doesn't know when it isn't connected to my spirit:  I can withstand things. The hardest things. And not just from where I think I am safest. I can withstand the hardest, most violent, earth shaking storms right in the middle of them. 

Storms pass, they flee; I do not. 

I stand firm, carried in the safe, steady hands of a sustaining Creator who has given me an inner strength and outer armor.

I can WITHSTAND anything 

as long as 
I STAND WITH Him. 

I don't need to protect myself because it's like child's play compared to how He protects. Sometimes his protection looks like destruction though and my mind can't wrap itself around that kind of perfect love. 

I think he's letting me glimpse that. Letting me feel how He feels. The storm may still be raging for all I know but I'm just going to sit here on the beach letting the sun hit my face, epi-pens still at my side and pills in my son's system--the son who is making sand castles as outside of our bubble the storm may be raging. We just can't imagine there is a world where storms even happen. We rest. We play.

If Asher wakes up in 5min and has a seizure I won't be shocked, it won't burst our bubble; it won't devastate either. It won't end this feeling it'll just be what it is. A seizure. A seizure than ends. Not a pin that bursts this bubble we're in for as long as God let's the bubble exist. 

We won't worry about tomorrow. 

We live in today and today is beautiful. Today, storms are raging and we are praying but they don't even feel real. 

For so long I said "He is good" while nothing felt good. I told myself that my feelings would eventually line up with the Truth, but the thing is, the truth feels so fast! My emotions feel so slow and so prone to dropping in exhaustion and crying because the race is so long and running is so hard. But that isn't how it is, really. 

Truth isn't fast; Truth is steady. 

Truth doesn't need to run ahead to prove how fast it is, 

Truth just runs its race. Truth won't stop for me either, 

Truth keeps going. 

Anything going past you looks fast when you're lying on the ground and can't run anymore. If my emotions could miraculously always stay steady, I would run step in step with truth. 

But that's not the normal God has given us. He's given us emotions that can be fickle and very high and very low sometimes in the same day and the rise and fall can drop us to the ground. BUT GOD has given us something that can provides us with the deep breath and water we need to run again. 

His Truth.  It never changes. 

Our emotions change. Our circumstances change. Our terrain changes. The weather changes. But as long as we see Truth still running steady, it spurs us to gather ourselves and get up and keep going. 

Truth doesn't look behind in disgust when we fall; 

Truth celebrates when we rise! 

The falling is normal. You can't escape it; but the rising is supernatural and you can't get that without the fall. 

There is no rising without falling. 

A Life Long Sword Fight With Anxiety

 Pastor Steve has been teaching lately on anxiety.

^^Anxiety Face^^

He deals with it, I deal with it, 2/3 of our congregation deals with it if the nervous chuckles are any indication (p.s. they are)

He's been pointing us to the Word of God which addresses (often) fear and anxiety.  This alone makes me feel better because God isn't saying, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and deal with it!" This says to me, "anxiety and fear are real and they're going to be part of your life in some way. Here is the way I've made your brain, and within its structure are ways to combat and use anxiety."

I mean, if Jesus crying out and sweating droplets like blood in the Garden of Gethsemane wasn't a picture of anxiety over facing something unthinkable, then I don't know what is.  

It speaks to me that Jesus knows fear.  He knows dread.  And He faced it, so I can, too. But how?

Pastor Steve mentioned some things we can do when faced with the anxiety monster in his last sermon. It connected with a place in my mind that convinces me that I can't move within fear; that I have to stay still and wait for it to pass before I can live again.  He's been speaking on anxiety for a few weeks, so I'd check out the podcasts on all of the other sermons, too.

Everyone experiences anxiety, but some people are prone to let it take over. 

That'd be me. 

When you are an anxious person, every new piece of information you get gets filtered through anxiety.  Even the good stuff, like blood work that comes back normal.  Well, obviously they're just missing something and I'm dying and no one is catching it in time. Or when you get back more money than you expected on your tax return.  Well, obviously we screwed up filing it and they'll be knocking at our door to take all we have ANY MINUTE!!!!

People that are prone to fear become conditioned to assume that their fears are real things that will happen and they become perpetually disappointed (by things that haven't even/probably won't happen) which means that they never let themselves become hopeful. Sound familiar?  We all do this to varying degrees, but for some of us, it shapes who we are and how we see life. 

Then the Bible is all, "fear not..."  Like...a lot of times. And I'm all, "BUT HOWWWWWWWWW-UHHHHHHH?" 

Me, last week.

Anxiety binds us up; I think we can all agree on that, right? A little bit of anxiety or a lot of anxiety, it doesn't matter, we need to be loosed from it's grip.   

We have to kill it.
That's right, I said kill it.
If we don't take care of it fully, every day, we treat it sort of like a pet on a leash. 

GAHHHHHH, PRESSSSHHHHHH

We try to control it just enough to look normal and function in society, but before you know it, you look down, the end of the leash is chewed off and this is COMIN' ATCHA FACE! 

AHHHHH, HELP ME TOM CRUISE!

Pastor Steve proposed another idea, which has nothing to do with Mr. Cruise:

Chop its dang head off with a sword. Not an actual dog people, simmer down, but your anxiety's head.  Like this...

Ummmmmm, or something....

But this looks fun, I'M IN!

I want to add here that it's not a one and done type of thing.  You don't kill anxiety and never feel it again.  It's a daily process, but each time you kill it, it doesn't get weaker, YOU get stronger. Smarter.  More confident in the face of it.

He talked about a few ways we can do this.  (Go read Philippians 4 first, it's all in there).

PRAY

Obvious?  Yes.
Crucial? Yes.
But he said something about prayer that stuck with me and I get. In prayer, don't concentrate on your anxiety or fear or what's causing it.  Prayer is not JUST telling God how you feel.  Did you hear that????

Prayer is not JUST telling God how you feel.

We must worship, give thanks, rejoice, IN THE MIDST of making our requests known. When it comes to communicating with God, He already knows what we are going to say, what will happen in our tomorrows, what little and big things will happen, how our fear may manifest, what we'll do about it, etc. 

Prayer equals trust, 

so worry equals mistrust. 

Worry could also mean that I believe what He says about taking care of me, but I don't feel it so it isn't real to me.  Feelings shouldn't have to confirm what God has already said so when those feelings take over, something is out of balance.

True prayer is telling God how we feel and acknowledging that HE IS THE LORD OVER how we feel.  What happens when you can't even trust yourself to pray? Pastor Steve suggested praying the psalms out loud. I love that. I go to that often. 

THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS

Me: I'm so anxious about this thing. Can you help me?

Friend: OH, I know what to do. 

Me: OHMYGOODNESS, are you serious?  What?

Friend: Just don't worry. 

Friend slides on some shades and exits like David Caruso

#sowise #socool

You can't beat worrying by NOT worrying, or else we'd all be free of anxiety! Instead, we can replace the worry with truth. People who study the way our brains work (just people, ok?  Trust me, statistics are *waves hands wildly* somewhere...) have proven that our thinking habits forge pathways through out mind and each time we habitually think a certain way, we wear down a path.  Then guess what happens?  That worn down path is the easiest to traverse.  So we take it again. And again.  And again.  And it gets more worn and the brambles and branches and weeds grow around it, but not on it and it gets too hard to leave that path.  

But guess what????  (And this completely changed my life when Pastor Steve first brought it up earlier this year). We can get out our axes and forge a new path. It's hard work and not the path of least resistance, but it is so worth it.  It's freedom. IT'S FREEDOM! Did I mention it's hard work?   

Even when briars hold us still and we can barely move our axe an inch, we are freer there than on that well-worn path of anxiety.  An inch a day in the wilderness is better than 5 miles a day on that path.


PRACTICE THESE THINGS 

In Philippians 4:8, we are told that whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praise worthy, to think about these things.  Take what you learn from thinking about them and PRACTICE living them out. 

"practice," in the Strong's dictionary: 

to perform repeatedly or habitually; to exercise, to be busy with, carry on

Anxiety seeks to paralyze us, so when we practice these things, our thoughts become our axes.  When we think about truth, honor, justice, and praise-worthy things repeatedly, when they become our habits, each thought is the swing of the axe.  Each swing takes us further away from the path that fear has forged. And we have to wake up every single day and grab that axe and get to work. 

With our axes wielded, and our hearts pumping with purpose, fear is obliterated.

As opposed to walking the well-worn path, heart pumping with fear, as WE are obliterated.

Fear roots you to one place; root yourself in God (who is love) and move!  Fear doesn't move unless you carry it.

ROOTED: 

to cause to strike root, to strengthen with roots, to render firm, 

to establish, cause a person to be thoroughly grounded 

GROUNDED: 

something put down, lay the foundation (of a building); 

the foundations, beginnings (of institution or system of truth)l;  

settle, to make stable, establish

LOVE:

agape; love feast; good will; benevolence; 

to welcome; to be well pleased; affection; charity

I want to end with some good advice from Pastor Steve.  He said instead of saying, "I'm just an anxious person," say, "I have a life long sword fight with anxiety and I'm killing it more than it's killing me." I mean COME ON!!!  How does THAT make ya feel?