When I Said to the Fight, "Make It Quick": Patience in The Wait

 Do you know how exhausting it is to jump through hoop after hoop when you're already exhausted?

Run a 5k

At the end, a sudden hoop

Well, I can do one more thing 


Jump


Land


Cross finish line and take deep, heaving breaths 


Start to sit because it's over


Oh, more hoops? But I'm past the finish line...

Not as gracefully as this bullet of a dog, but you make it through 

Land and almost collapse 

Another hoop

Jump


Fall on the other side, scrape your knees


As sweat runs down your face you look up and 10 more hoops smack you in the face


Fall down


Stay down 


Hoops fly over your head; you close your eyes so you don't see them anymore

When everything is a fight, you either put up your fists and get ready or you drop them and whisper to the fight, "make it quick."

Today I'm whispering "make it quick," as I crawl beneath the covers.

We've been waiting 8 weeks for Asher's epilepsy gene panel to come back so that we could possibly have a direction on how to treat him. Which would also give us a direction to look in for Willow.

I actively waited for 8 whole weeks and I found out today that I was waiting for nothing. Literally nothing. I called the lab myself and they didn't have any record of Asher's bloodwork. So I called the neurologist who looked into it and found out it got to the in hospital lab, but they held it on an insurance hold. No one told anyone about it.

I called Cigna and they never received the claim. At all. Ever.

And it doesn't matter because I thought that while I was waiting, it was ok because over 100 chromosomes were being looked at but instead, his blood (and mine and Isaac's) was never seen.

So we begin to wait again.

I have to say, I just feel done. After this happened with Willow's genetic testing (after only 3 days thank God), I didn't think I could withstand it again because it's not just a blood test. It's treatment and quality of life and hope to find out what Willow has and if Isaac and I are carriers of anything we need to know about. TREATMENT for my son.

We've waited about 60 days. Here's to 60 more. We'll wait because we don't have another choice but today I'm beginning our second wait after I've run the 5k. I'm worn out with waiting. Our whole life is waiting. We work so hard to find answers but answers are fleeting and I just want to give up. The crazy part is this blood work could come back "normal" and we've waited for nothing anyway. This is not fair and I know life isn't about "fair" but THIS IS MY SON. I'm so mentally exhausted and I don't have any inspirational words to end this with. I'll let someone else do it. 

When You Make A Big, Public, Brave Decisions...and you're so SO wrong

Me: Elephant, no!  What are you doing? 

Elephant: I'mma jump off this cliff. 

Me: WHY? You're too big, the fall alone may kill you. Elephant, this is not wise. Trust me. 

Elephant: Nah, I got this. Here, hold my beer. 

You know what?  At least once, you're going to make a big, scary, brave decision (hopefully wise unlike that elephant) and you're going to do so with gusto and bold proclamations.  And you're going to be wrong.  Publicly wrong.  

And that's ok.  

You don't have to be embarrassed for trying, it wasn't even the wrong thing to do because you did it; it's done.  On the way down, when you realize you're about to smash into the rocks, you don't have to feel like a fool.  

In my eyes, the foolish thing would be sitting on your tooshy and making no decision at all for fear of being embarrassed/wrong.  

Or sitting back and judging everyone else's big jumps, then laughing at them as they hit the rocks below.  

Or sticking to your guns, insisting "it's fine" when it's so easy to just stand up and start over. Admitting you need to start over may have been the point anyway. 

It's so amazing to see people change 

their minds unapologetically 

because such is life. 

One of the most beautiful 

sentences in the world is, 

"I was wrong; 

now I'm going to make it right."  

Hitting the rocks is NOT the worst thing that can happen.  The worst thing that can happen is dying as you sit at the top of the cliff, discouraging anyone else from jumping because you don't want to live and die alone as people jump around you.  

SO GO JUMP, PEOPLE!  

You may fly, you may hit the rocks, you may feel empowered, you may feel embarrassed.  It's ok.  Just don't be that person sitting on the cliff pointing fingers at and discouraging other jumpers.

Me: Mr. Business Man, what are you doing? 

Mr. Business Man: I'mma jump off this cliff. 

Me: The fall alone may kill you.  Are you sure?

Mr Business Man: Nope! See ya down belooooooooooowwww

God Doesn't Give His Hardest Battles to His Strongest Soldiers

I don't agree with the following statement: 

#sorrynotsorry Pinterest 

Why? Because I consistently see really weak, out of control people fighting really big battles in His strength. I see example after example of weak, out of control men and women in the bible fighting really big battles. Murderers, teenagers, cheaters, worriers, dead men. 

It's not your responsibility to keep your head up, Psalm 3:3 says HE is the lifter of your head. So be weak and let His strength be perfected there.  God's strength is to be glorified and made famous, not our own. There is such freedom in that to be His hands and feet. 

When I Give Myself More Grace Than I Give My Kiddos

Zoe (my 11 year old) was having a rough morning, so I gave her some space. She was holding it in pretty well, but eventually a stream of moody, tired, aggravated words snapped out. 

As soon as they did, I was all, "ok I get it. You're tired, but that's your last chance. One more outburst and blah blah blah, <insert threats of punishment>." And I kept going, kept demanding her mood to get back on track and...I was even making it worse. 

I walked away and it hit me that we don't give our kids many chances to be human before punishments. Or I don't.  Worse, I punish most of the time based on how I feel in the moment rather than what they are doing. 

I have bad mornings and expect grace or at least to be ignored until I pull myself together but often don't extend that to my kids. Who are not only little humans learning how to human, but are entitled to be irrational as they figure it out. Like me. But, I'm am adult and I have this privelage to just work through it with no repercussions and they don't.

It's our job to walk them through it and teach them ways to cope with those feelings and how to apologize when they happen. 

So there's a balance I must find. Where I stop the world for them for a second to check on them instead of punishing first. Or something. I need to talk to them like human beings instead of like slaves that I punish in the name of teaching them how to be productive members of society.   

Or something. 

Parenting is hard. 

(Please don't remind me I can't let them get away with being bratty because you have to deal with them as adults. I know. That's not what this is about. It's about me responding to their needs...which often looks like defiance...in the way they need most...not in the way that makes me feel the best at the time.)

Sustaining vs Healing

I learn more about who I am in Christ in the sustaining rather than in immediate physical healing.

When He doesn't fix IT. He sustains ME.

When everything around me is falling apart but I am not.

When the ground quakes beneath my feet but I am steady.

When I break apart but don't give up.

When all hope is lost but Hope hasn't lost me.

When it doesn't make sense for me to feel peace because I want to wallow in my pain and let uncertainty drive me mad

Yet

Peace is all around me. 

I can't escape it. 

In His wisdom, He doesn't ask me what I want before He acts because my desperation would scream out,  "just fix it...at all costs." 

But that isn't always best for me or those watching. It's why my prayer life has to look more like "thank you Lord, Thy will be done," than a list of demands.

Healing can't be more important than the Healer and maybe that's why healing seems so random. We can't use a formula to track its success rate because He heals, but it isn't always what we've asked Him to heal. 

It's better.

Guilt vs Grace

*I wrote this for my women's group, but it applies to men, too* 

Sometimes I think we take God’s rules that are meant to protect us and we use them to beat ourselves up. We use the double-edged sword to inflict tiny cuts up and down our bodies when we think about all the times we've disobeyed God's Word, aka, sinning. 

Guilt upon guilt
When it should be

Grace upon grace

God, in His holy wisdom, gives us these instructions FOR OUR BENEFIT. For teaching, training, and correction so that we don't head out into the world unequipped for the terrain. Look below at some scriptures about obeying His word.  

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.  2 Tim 3:16-17 (training so we are equipped; he makes us competent because we represent him)

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. 1 John 5:3 (the backpacks He gives us to navigate the terrain are NOT heavy...if they are maybe we should take out all of the things we put in there "just in case" God's stuff isn't enough.) 

But I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here. John 14:31  (you obey SO THAT the world knows your love for God; obedience introduces Jesus to onlookers)

Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. 1 John 3:24  (you obey in order to live in God and in order for God to live in you)

But this command I gave them: ‘Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people. And walk in all the way that I command you, that it may be well with you.’ Jeremiah 7:23 (when you obey, it is well with your soul) 

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. James 1:22-25 (you can't just agree with his commands, you have to follow them; your obedience blesses you when its in action.)

What if you mess up and break a rule He has given you? Do you live out your years mourning and feeling guilt/shame as a misguided way to atone for your sins? No, because Jesus already did that. One and done. You’re good. So why is it so hard accept that truth?  It’s like THE MAIN ONE! Accepting this truth (or not) will affect every single other relationship you have. It is crucial for a woman to know whose she is. To know her name. To know from where her worth comes. This is step 1. 

God, help us see.

We are prone to take a few of His commandments and make them bigger than the others, to place a bigger importance on some of his rules and then hyper-focus on them. It gives us a sense of control when sin isn't a control issue. It's about forgiveness, hence Jesus dying on the cross.  There's no other way. I know this because Jesus already asked. 

The rules we make bigger were meant 

to work like life jackets, 

but our own amplification of them 

makes them like nooses around our necks. 

One problem with this is that we all have different histories and reasons why some sins seem worse than others. So when we mess up on one of the "biggies," we assume God is mad at us. For example, in 1 Corinthians 7 we see that sex outside of the covenant of marriage shouldn't happen (which is for our benefit).  When we mess up and do it, suddenly it's as if we're ruined and our guilt overrides His grace. 

But what about pride?  It doesn't seem as big but man is it daily and deadly. We make some sins really big because it feels better to feel guilty about "big" sins than to change the little sins we commit everyday. It feels better to feel guilty than to look Jesus in the face and say I’m sorry, forgive me, and then accept that forgiveness and move on. I am the chiefest of sinners. 

I think when we try to atone for our sins it's sort of a misguided attempt to love God because that’s how we try to love people.  If we mess up with someone and feel terrible, the guilt shows on our faces, we offer to make it right, we offer to do something to make it up to them.  

Offer, offer, offer

Look the part  

People want that

God doesn’t need that  

He SEES our hearts and intentions and he’s willing to forgive those so we can MOVE ON and proclaim His name and serve his people.  We can’t offer anything to God that He doesn’t already have and He doesn’t need anything from us. He doesn’t need our inclination to beat ourselves up on His behalf. His ways are perfect. 

He doesn't use His power to assault us, but to save us. 

He doesn't use His power to retaliate, but to redeem.

It can be really hard to accept from God when we're used to His people using their power/rules to to take advantage of us. We need to learn to accept what He’s giving and move on however we can.  

We are not self-atoning.  

Thank God.

How do we wage war against guilt and shame that stems from disobedience? Start with asking God to search your heart and show you WHY you still feel it. Just start there.  Be honest and transparent in your prayer life. 

None of this stuff is supposed to make you feel guilty 

unless you continue to do it 

and that guilt is the vehicle that drives you 

to His grace.  

To sin is human. We just have to recognize it and fight it in His strength and the power of His forgiveness.  

When we try to do ANY of this on our own, dysfunction is born. Someone once said that God plus anything equals nothing. It can be confusing because while God has already redeemed us, we still have to continually ask for forgiveness. 

Our GUILT-FUELED prayers tend to sound like:

Oh God, I am so terrible, not even worthy of forgiveness, how do you put up with me? I have no self control, I hate myself, how can you even stand to look at me?  Help me be better. Stop me from being terrible. What I do is too atrocious for You to look at, let alone forgive.  I wouldn't blame you if you left me. 

Instead of GRACE-FUELED like: 

Oh God, you are so good!  Your mercy is endless and your grace is more than sufficient. I feast on your daily bread, knowing tomorrow I will have enough for that day, which is why I don’t worry about tomorrow.  I sin and do terrible things BUT GOD, You forgive me when I ask. I know what I do and do it anyway, I need your strength and wisdom and peace.  I love you Father, thank you for this day, thank you for grace.  I ask for forgiveness for what I’ve done, I know it was terrible, and I thank you for giving it to me.  I move forward unashamed, uncontrolled by anyone/thing, washed clean. 

Even a prayer where you’re crying on the ground, feeling terrible is fine as long as you aren’t using it as an excuse to heap guilt upon yourself.  Lay it all out before Him, mourn, let Him hold you and catch your tears and then ask Him to remind you that He forgives when asked. 

The guilt-fueled prayer isn't “wrong.” Anytime you pour your heart out to God it is not to be judged.  I just want to point out that beating yourself up in prayer and letting that be the end defeats the purpose of prayer.

I know what it’s like to live like this. I felt nothing about my sin behavior before Jesus,  I numbed myself up. Even though I didn't know Jesus, I knew what I was doing was wrong but it made me feel powerful, so I didn't care.  I met Jesus, I learned his commandments, and pushed my past beneath a blanket that I thought was grace, and I tried to forget it.  But you know what? I needed to process it.  I needed to pick it back up and hand it to Jesus; to say, "oh Lord, this mess was created by a dead woman. She no longer exists and who I am now can move forward in Your love and in obedience to your Word." Nobody told me that. 

Until...someone did tell me that and I did it. I threw off the blanket, kicked the basket filled with my sin off a cliff and danced off into the sunset, forever happy.  

PSYCH!!  

A decade after I covered my past, I tentatively grabbed the edge of the blanket, tattered by time, that had been covering it. 

My mind was chaotic, imagining everything beneath it. My thumb felt the slimy underside and I recoiled. I looked back at Jesus as if to ask, do I have to?  

My heartbeat raced ahead of Jesus'. I tried to imagine a life where that false grace blanket just stayed in place and I moved on because that sounded easier. I couldn't. 

Jesus walked up behind me and put His hand over my hand. His thumb slid underneath mine so I didn't have to feel the residue of my decrepit sin. His other hand covered my eyes and my heart aligned with his as we pulled back the blanket to expose it all once more. 

Jesus removed His hand from my eyes and we let the blanket fly away in the wind. What was underneath was dead. Rotting. Decaying. Festering for years. Like a zombie it moved around, needing something to attach itself to in order to survive. 

A parasitic pile of my past. 

Even though it was lifeless, for a decade I had felt those desperate movements. Shifting. Rolling. Heaving. Attempts to come back to life. That means I could never forget it was there for very long. 

At the sight of it, I groaned and collapsed into the One who stood with me. He caught me. I cried in the presence of my sin and my Savior for hours.  After catching every tear, he lifted my head. 

I looked at the pile of my past; I looked at Jesus and whispered, "forgive me?" Like Lot's wife, I looked back again, but it was gone.  I almost wanted it to be there so that I could wallow in its presence some more: a strange way to prove to God how unworthy I was. But He knew that is what I would be inclined to do. He removed it so that instead of wallowing in it, I would have to deal with its absence. 

Which was awesome.

And devastating.

It took years post-forgiveness. 

I still deal with some of it, 
which means that Isaac deals with it too

but you know what?

It keeps me going back to Jesus.
I keep falling into His arms. 
He catches my tears and lifts my head.  

He keeps reminding me that 

I LACK NOTHING IN HIM.

I had to mourn it all a decade after it ended, which hurt like hell.  It was brutal, like stripping the skin off of my bones, but TALK ABOUT FREEDOM! 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."  During this time in my life, after the blanket was pulled away, Jen heard a phrase in her spirit for me and asked me to repeat it to myself when it got hard. 

Your freedom is closer than you think.

We both knew that my freedom was already here because that scripture says where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  But my heart just couldn't grab onto it and God knows I need words so He gave them to me through her.  Then, on the way home from the school pick up line on a random day, I realized and FELT that I was free. And that was that. No fanfare. 

Freedom was here. 

There are still things I need to process with Jesus, but it doesn’t mean I’m not healed, free, and washed clean. If a soldier suffers from PTSD after a bloody, war-filled deployment, it doesn’t mean she’s actually still in the physical war; she’s home.  She may be far away from that war-torn land, but she’s hurting because she's brought a piece of it home with her in her mind. 

Invisible war wounds. She needs to heal and even when she is healed, she may live with it forever. But now, Jesus is in it with her. 

The fact that she brought it home and deals with it doesn’t mean that God has not touched her or that God is not with her.  Do you understand? Healing feels complicated, but grace is not.  Yet God does both. Do not let guilt consume you.  It may be the hardest war you ever battle in, but you have to fight by laying down your guilt.  Accept His grace and then work through it.  If it takes you fighting until you're in your earthly grave, then go down fighting in HIS strength. 

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