IN HIS GRIEF

Some friends and I have a text group where we read the same chapter of the bible together each day and send our thoughts/questions.  Usually it's half a page to a page of writing, we take a picture of it, send it via text and that's it.  Very low key.  

Until, in typical Courtney fashion, I amped it up a notch.  Or five (furiously hand written pages).  We were due to read Matthew 14 and from the start I could sort of tell where this was going. I knew it because the day before a friend was talking to us about her grief and I could see her words being played out by Jesus.  I kept thinking no way...no it won't all come together like that.  But...it did.  Here are my messy notes:   


MATTHEW 14

Jesus' cousin (with whom he was connected to from their mothers' wombs) died. When Jesus was told of John the Baptist's death, he "withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself" (v.13) I want you to notice here that Jesus grieved. Grieving is not only ok, but it is good.  

A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief

When he came out, he healed the sick. 

He healed IN HIS GRIEF. 
Cheeks still wet. 
THAT is what got me.  

Then he performed a miracle (loaves and fish) IN HIS GRIEF.  In verse 19, it says before he multiplied the food, "he looked up to heaven and said a blessing."  The word blessing here is from the root word "eulogeo."  As in eulogy which is often given to honor a deceased person.  It means a few things: 

1. to speak well of 
2. to thank 
3. to cause to prosper (wow)

It made me wonder if in honor of his beloved cousin, and IN HIS GRIEF, he went out and did good.  What a gloriously simple example. 

And then in verse 22, Jesus retreats again to be alone. He comes out and again, IN HIS GRIEF, he performs another miracle (he walks on water and teaches Peter about trust).

In verse 34, IN HIS GRIEF, he heals the sick. Another miracle. 

This is where I was due to stop reading but I kept going not even realizing that I was into chapter 15.  Thank goodness because the above is only half of what God was showing me.  As chapter 15 progresses, Jesus goes on to teach and preach, heal and love, feed and nourish. You guessed it.  IN HIS GRIEF.  In verse 33 of chapter 15, 

"the disciples said to him, 'where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?'" 

I've asked Jesus that before.

"Jesus, how am I to have enough to feed others when I'm in a wilderness of my own with nothing left to give?" 

It instantly took me back to the beginning of Jesus' grief where it said he went to a desolate (waste, solitude, wilderness, lonesome, bereft, deprived) place. How do we have enough in our hard places-in our grief, depression, sickness, pain, etc... - to give to anyone else? 

I found the answer in Jesus' response to the disciples. I held my breath before reading because I knew the answer was coming, but I couldn't believe the answer was really coming. He took what little they had, he broke it, and gave it back to them.  And it was suddenly more than enough. It was abundance.  Then the disciples fed the thousands.  

You give him your one, small piece of bread.

He breaks it. 

He gives thanks. 

He gives it back to you. 

You do good with it.  

How could you not also think of communion at this point?  But that's more than what I could explain in this blog.  Communion we take and communion with him daily... just ponder it. 

After God showing me that connection, I had some thoughts.  If we look at this and live it out, it means that IN all of our hardships, pain, grief, depression (IN IT!) we can do what Psalm 37 says, "trust the Lord and do good." Like Peter, we can fall, learn to trust, then accompany Jesus to heal some people on the other side of the water.  It doesn't have to look like anything.  Just do your good in whatever form you can. 

The miracle is in the breaking. 

If we let him, Jesus takes what little we have left over when we survive or are in whatever circumstance, and he breaks it and gives it back to us. We suddenly have more than enough for others.  He does this SO THAT we continue to come to him, to serve him, to love him, to come to his sheep, to serve his sheep, to love his sheep IN OUR GRIEF. 

THIS

IS 

MIRACULOUS 

Jesus didn't cover his grief with ministry work.  He didn't pretend it wasn't there.  He wasn't immune to it. He felt it.  He honored it not just once.  When grief hit him hard out of nowhere, he didn't run from it, he told it to pull up a chair and together they went to his father.  And then he wiped his tears, went out and did good.  All of this is grief.  Crying, retreating, coming back out, doing good, repeat.  Doing good is part of the grief which is why grief lasts forever in one form or another.  It's not something you get over and it's done.  

My closing prayer:
Jesus, help me to hand over what little I have to give so that it's enough.  Refresh me to serve.  Help me to trust you and to do good in this process even while in mental/physical pain, even in grief, even when I want to wallow and hide under the covers forever. Jesus, take what I have and break it, even if it hurts; just as your body was broken for me. FOR THE GREATER GOOD. Help me--this is simple but hard. 
I adore you
Amen 

I'm Allowed To Be Happy (gasp!)

“The Bible does not force us to choose between 

Gods glory and our joy.”

That quote up there is the thought that is changing everything in my life right now. Everything. I picked up Desiring God by John Piper (a Piper book I’d never read) for ten cents at ReStore and guess what I learned? 

It’s ok to be happy.

Imagine that. (Plus 11 more pages of notes but I’ll get to all that stuff later cause y’all KNOW I WILL)

Ten measly cents changed my entire life and now I’m on a quest to discover what feeling delight in God really is.

Jubilant joy in Christ is ok. Commanded even.

Psalm 37:4 says to delight yourself in the Lord. The Psalms are FILLED with the language of delighting in Him. Go look!

I didn’t even realize that while I sought to learn what true worship is (not just feelings, not just raising my hands to music, not goosebumps, not selfish, not seeking to look spiritual while doing it, not proving God's existence with theatrics) I accidentally threw out all joy in God. It suddenly felt selfish and I couldn't find my way back; I didn't even know I was lost.

Desiring God says that we have told people “they ought not seek their own pleasure, especially in worship. We have implied in a thousand ways that the virtue of an act diminishes to the degree you enjoy doing it, and that doing something because it yields happiness is bad.” (Desiring God).

Joy in worship is not bad, so long as it is an overflow of the TRUTH in my heart.

You guys know all we've been through since Asher was a baby and got sick.  Diagnoses kept coming and every time I prayed he would survive another wave of illness, it did indeed slam me into the Rock of Ages as Spurgeon said it would. 

So praise God. But also...I let it knock me around so much that I ended up getting comfortable  washed up on the shore. 

Years ago, a friend told me that I was acting as if I believed God’s purpose for me was merely putting me through trials to teach me things. Over and over it was all I was good for.  Over and over, His lessons wouldn't stick to me so He kept pushing me down to teach me to rise. Except...I never got up. And I learned to love a Father who pushed me down over and over and who expected nothing more of me than to lie there and take it.

When my friend told me she sensed I believed this, it was brand new information to me but it felt right in my spirit. I just couldn’t get myself to believe it. The only way my life made sense to me with God at the head was if he was training me through trials only. I convinced myself I even liked Him better that way.

It was easier to be slain by Him 

than to rise up in His strength. 

So I just stayed down and tried to serve and worship from there. And I wondered why  I couldn’t grasp contentment, or come close to true joy. Despair was easier. Especially if it was my purpose. So I just decided that it was.

So what made that statement she spoke years ago true to my heart in 2019? Beauty. Happiness. Joy. Why is it even there? Why does it exist, if not for me?

If pain is God’s will at times then beautiful things for the sole sake of being enjoyed are God’s will too. Painted flowers, babies’ tiny sweet little toes that make us ecstatic for no reason, hugs, friends, little things... None of these things exist to keep us physically alive. But we are made in our Creator's image and He happens to be a Father who delights IN US.  So we are called to delight.

If trials teach me from the ground, then worshiping the creator and partaking in His joy can lift me up. It’s allowed. It’s ok. The smell of springtime can make my heart swell and I don’t have to question it or feel guilty for getting something from the exchange. Beauty doesn’t trick me into feeling something for any reason. It just is. My enjoyment can just be.

Does any of this make sense? No. But since when does the kingdom of God ever make earthly sense, right?  So be it.  

I WILL NOT STAY DOWN

The trial that knocks me down, teaches me to rise.

I. Will. Rise. In Him.

Jubilant.

Peter/Jesus/Water

Matthew 14:22-33 Jesus and Peter walk on water

v.22 Jesus sends his disciples out into a sea that He knows will rage

Did He cause the rage? I don’t think so.  But He knew about it. He also knew He wouldn’t let them be taken under. WE need to KNOW that about Him, too

v.23 He went away to pray

v.24 The boat went THREE MILES out into the sea.  It was beaten by waves, the wind was wild… Imagine that.  In a small unstable fishing boat. The whole time they were out there, they had to fight for survival. I wonder if they cried out to Jesus for help and didn’t hear anything the whole time they were out there.  JESUS SENT THEM INTO A STORM and then they didn’t hear from him when they called? This was RIGHT after he saw him feed 5,000 people from a loaf of bread and pieces of fish. They surely remembered this.

v.25 The “fourth watch” was between 3am and 6am.  Which means that they were battling a storm for OVER 9 HOURS. Then Jesus walks to them ON the raging sea from the directions of the storm. (He reigns over storms) not the direction of perceived safety (the shore)  

v.26 They thought Jesus was an evil spirit/ghost (which shows how human they/we are).  Why did they think this? It’s like the storm already had them in fear mode – so they saw scary instead of safety.  I think Jesus wants us to not be swayed by fear so that we recognize Him when he comes to us (to save us). To recognize what it means to be saved from a trial

v.27 Jesus’ voice is what reassures them.  He doesn’t say His name.  He says, “It is I.” They know who “I” is.

Before that he says, “take heart.”  Looked it up and it means something like “be encouraged; be confident in me; be of good cheer; be of good courage”

TAKE HEART

DO NOT TAKE FEAR

TAKE ME: I am your courage, I am your confidence, I am your cheer

v.28 Peter answers him, “it is You…” Then He tests Him even though he just said “it is You.” So like us, ya know?  Tell me to come… almost like “I dare you”

v.29 Jesus: come

Peter: came

v.30 But then Peter remembered the storm (which tells me that he forgot about it for a minute even while it was swirling around him) .  It says he “saw” the wind (fear) and IMMEDIATELY Peter sank. FEAR SANK PETER, NOT THE STORM. 

What was Peters gut response? Before his head even went below the waves, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Before he had a chance to question again whether that was Jesus, at the deepest part of him, he cried out.

Which sounds so faithful right?  Immediately, I thought, “man I bet that’s what Jesus wants from us.”  That’s always been the point of this story for most people

v.31 But then…in verse 31 Jesus grabbed him first and responds with “you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

v.32When they get ON the boat, the storm stopped. I’ll tell you what that means toward the end

v.33 WORSHIP!!!

1. That is what happens after fear almost overtakes you and you are saved. That kind of worship makes sense

2.They worshiped TO HIM, IN HIS PRESENCE, WHILE HE WAS THERE.  We do not worship a dead God. WE, here in present time, worship TO Him, too!  Don’t forget that.  You are worshiping the same God in the same way as the disciples.  The same water walking God who let the storm rage for a long while before he grabbed onto peter.

Final thoughts:

So Jesus lets us go out beyond what we can save ourselves from.  He LETS US. In fact, when the disciples went out, Jesus went the other way and hid in order to pray.  He still walked out on that water, not only to save them, but to teach them something about themselves and Himself.  Which builds endurance and strengthens them and teaches them for when He isn’t there in the flesh.

He saves us.  He’s bigger than any storm, a storm doesn’t even touch Him. It makes me think of the line in a song, “The wind and waves still know your name”

But in what he did for the disciples, he was showing them that He wants us to have the INSTINCT to trust Him IN the storm. It’s not even good enough to doubt and then trust after like Peter.  HE WAS BUILDING INSTINCT IN THEM.  Not human instinct but Holy Spirit instinct.  It ‘s like he was building a home primed and ready for his spirit when he left.

It also shows that we need to know His voice.  His voice, not his words is what they connected to.

After: worship

These are the notes I took from the Brooklyn Tabernacle podcast I heard after I took the above notes

*It was God’s will that they get in boat

And God’s will that they go through the storm

*We think we shouldn’t go through difficult times when we know Jesus. But storms BUILD our faith.  He wants it for us.

*So on the mountain, Jesus is interceding for us, praying to God for us. If we think he has forgotten us in the midst of our storms, we need to remember he’s on the mountain, interceding at the right hand of God the father

**The wind didn’t die down the moment Peter came to Jesus the water died down when BOTH of them came to the boat. Which means He walked through the storm WITH PETER (reminds me of the fiery furnace and Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego)

*2^nd storm comes (see Luke 8), the guy on this podcast said that Jesus slept on a pillow (on purpose sleep)  Disciples are scared, Jesus says Oh ye of little faith. 

2^nd storm is maybe worse but what do they do?  THEY WORSHIP HIM. Before it’s died down and in their fear. They didn’t wait to “get on the boat” this time. They’re worship sounded like:  “And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, “Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?”

The first storm did that.  Taught them to worship

*On the other side of both storm, healings happened on the land. Why the storms?  Because God knows what’s on the other side. It’s not about the storm and it’s not about you, it’s about who Jesus wants to be to you in the storm, how He wants to change you, and it’s about What Jesus wants to do THROUGH YOU on the other side of the storm. It’s “for the people” to get to Jesus

DO YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS HUGE. It’s not about you getting through a storm so that you can learn a lesson and grow FOR YOU alone.  No!  It’s so that you can be strengthened in order to promote the kingdom.  I think I’ve always thought storms strengthened me for me.  Like a storm comes, I withstand it, I get a medal for it, wave it around, and Jesus is over there like  GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.  What you earned through that storm was endurance and the ability to better praise my name to people who don’t know me or need me.

DO YOU GET IT? These storms are not about you!  Is it hitting you? They are filled with winds and waves and PURPOSE.

*So don’t be caught up in the storm and say oh this is too difficult and ruining my life! Lift up name of Jesus!!!!  First!

See Jesus do great mighty things through you. Sometimes you go through the storm and it’s not even for you, it’s for somebody else because Jesus wants you to keep trusting in him in a hard situation. Keep your eyes on Jesus

How we should deal with storms then?

****Don’t go through storm defeated and depressed go through with confidence knowing your Savior is enough and you will trust him no matter what. He’ll use you on the other side of this storm. There’s another side to the storm!  SO WORSHIP HIM NOW

***Go through hard situations from a standpoint of victory instead of defeat

So alllllllllll this to lead us back to Hannah.

She changed her attitude before the circumstances changed, She poured out her prayers to God, made promises, trusted,

It said her face changed, she was no longer sad. She let go of it. So this tells us how to let go of things.  Pray FIERCELY give it all to Him…your emotions, your thoughts, your words, your dreams….then promise God (God, if you give me this thing, I will use it for YOUR glory)…then change your face. (I tell my kids that all the time)

SHE WORSHIPED first thing when she got home. Before her husband knew her.  

Look what happened.

So, what is the theme in both? What is God showing us?  

WORSHIP BEFORE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE –before the winds and waves die down.

WORSHIP AS THE STORM BEGINS – at the first hint of rain

WORSHIP IN THE STORM

WORSHIP WHEN THE STORM IS OVER (in the boat)

WORSHIP IN BETWEEN STORMS

WE NEED TO LIVE IN AN ATTITUDE OF WORSHIP

WORSHIP NEEDS TO BE OUR INSTINCT

Go through hard situations from a standpoint of victory instead of defeat

Don’t go through storms defeated and depressed go through with confidence knowing your Savior is enough

THE ENORMITY OF THE STORM SAYS NOTHING ABOUT THE ABILITY OF YOUR SAVIOR. WHAT THE ENEMY USES FOR BAD GOD USES FOR GOOD.

WORSHIP ANYWAY; WORSHIP ALWAYS

LIKE HANNAH (a metaphorical storm, a storm of her emotions)

LIKE PETER (an actual storm where physical harm was threatened)

On the other side of both of their storms were miraculous healings. Healing of Hannah’s body which lead to not only Samuel but to more children. Healings in the lands where the boat that withstood the storms went to.

The Truth Is

Last night, I woke up at 2am and had one line from God in my mind.  I typed it out and suddenly, my fingers just wouldn't stop.  For 45 minutes, His Spirit poured out words through my fingers. I remembered that it has happened, but not what was written, so when I read it, it was brand new to me.  I love it when that happens...The following is what I wrote, edited just a little: 

It's feels like epilepsy doesn't exist. 

And not just that, but that it never did. 

(That was the line God gave me.)

It's like after the hardest day of the hardest winter, we fell asleep completely spent, dreading the rest of the season and we woke up to the most glorious summer day. And another and another and another...

Wait, what was winter like again?

I find myself neglecting to expect a seizure. I can't even make myself worry about seizure life or the threat of anaphylaxis. 

I rarely even post on his Facebook page anymore because it doesn't feel real anymore; like it never happened. It is the most surreal thing and I can't even imagine that he'll ever have another seizure. Thinking back to his first one that we knew was a seizure--videoing him shaking, fear in his eyes as tears rolled down his cheeks but he couldn't speak--I can't believe that was us. 

I want to stress something important.  All of this is a feeling. A feeling that God has given me and I don't know why. I'm still just as vigilant and he takes his meds, he doesn't shower or bathe without me sitting outside the door and talking to him...we do all the epilepsy things. It just feels like we're doing it for show, almost. I know we aren't. But it feels like it. 

It doesn't feel like a time to proclaim a miraculous physical healing either. I think I'm just supposed to feel like that life of constant vigilance and fear and tears was someone else's life. Part of it is probably my own mental healing. We've never made it this long in between doctor appointments. It's like all of the good things are hitting at the same time and I can see God's hand in the plan. You don't always get that ya know? And right when you give up on "seeing" being an option BAM! 

God. 

Hands. 

Plans. 

Because I'm me, sometimes this awesome summer feeling comes with a slight feeling of heaviness. Not a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling...it's hard to explain. I think it's just a lifetime of depression/anxiety and new PTSD training my mind to look at things a certain way and suddenly, I have to say, "NO. that is not reality and I know that now," but my feelings aren't so quick to catch on. 

Depression almost feels good 

because it's what I know 

and it's how I can retreat 

when I'm overwhelmed. 

My mind was desperate to cope with normal life and then all of the hard, hard stuff came and depression was trying to protect me. Us. And it just got very dysfunctional. Like a child who has been beaten by trusted caretakers, she becomes a little girl who exists in a shell, because who can get to her under her armor? She thinks no one can, but it actually makes her more vulnerable to being hurt in lasting ways. Our minds are very strong protectors but not always in the right ways. The mind just takes the most protective approach right away with some people. Examples:

Strong wind? Must be the end of the world let's take shelter underground. 

A little rain? Flooding of our home is imminent, evacuate to the mountains and never come back. 

Here's the thing that my mind doesn't know when it isn't connected to my spirit:  I can withstand things. The hardest things. And not just from where I think I am safest. I can withstand the hardest, most violent, earth shaking storms right in the middle of them. 

Storms pass, they flee; I do not. 

I stand firm, carried in the safe, steady hands of a sustaining Creator who has given me an inner strength and outer armor.

I can WITHSTAND anything 

as long as 
I STAND WITH Him. 

I don't need to protect myself because it's like child's play compared to how He protects. Sometimes his protection looks like destruction though and my mind can't wrap itself around that kind of perfect love. 

I think he's letting me glimpse that. Letting me feel how He feels. The storm may still be raging for all I know but I'm just going to sit here on the beach letting the sun hit my face, epi-pens still at my side and pills in my son's system--the son who is making sand castles as outside of our bubble the storm may be raging. We just can't imagine there is a world where storms even happen. We rest. We play.

If Asher wakes up in 5min and has a seizure I won't be shocked, it won't burst our bubble; it won't devastate either. It won't end this feeling it'll just be what it is. A seizure. A seizure than ends. Not a pin that bursts this bubble we're in for as long as God let's the bubble exist. 

We won't worry about tomorrow. 

We live in today and today is beautiful. Today, storms are raging and we are praying but they don't even feel real. 

For so long I said "He is good" while nothing felt good. I told myself that my feelings would eventually line up with the Truth, but the thing is, the truth feels so fast! My emotions feel so slow and so prone to dropping in exhaustion and crying because the race is so long and running is so hard. But that isn't how it is, really. 

Truth isn't fast; Truth is steady. 

Truth doesn't need to run ahead to prove how fast it is, 

Truth just runs its race. Truth won't stop for me either, 

Truth keeps going. 

Anything going past you looks fast when you're lying on the ground and can't run anymore. If my emotions could miraculously always stay steady, I would run step in step with truth. 

But that's not the normal God has given us. He's given us emotions that can be fickle and very high and very low sometimes in the same day and the rise and fall can drop us to the ground. BUT GOD has given us something that can provides us with the deep breath and water we need to run again. 

His Truth.  It never changes. 

Our emotions change. Our circumstances change. Our terrain changes. The weather changes. But as long as we see Truth still running steady, it spurs us to gather ourselves and get up and keep going. 

Truth doesn't look behind in disgust when we fall; 

Truth celebrates when we rise! 

The falling is normal. You can't escape it; but the rising is supernatural and you can't get that without the fall. 

There is no rising without falling.