Until, in typical Courtney fashion, I amped it up a notch. Or five (furiously hand written pages). We were due to read Matthew 14 and from the start I could sort of tell where this was going. I knew it because the day before a friend was talking to us about her grief and I could see her words being played out by Jesus. I kept thinking no way...no it won't all come together like that. But...it did. Here are my messy notes:
MATTHEW 14
Jesus' cousin (with whom he was connected to from their mothers' wombs) died. When Jesus was told of John the Baptist's death, he "withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself" (v.13) I want you to notice here that Jesus grieved. Grieving is not only ok, but it is good.
A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief
When he came out, he healed the sick.
He healed IN HIS GRIEF.
Cheeks still wet.
THAT is what got me.
Then he performed a miracle (loaves and fish) IN HIS GRIEF. In verse 19, it says before he multiplied the food, "he looked up to heaven and said a blessing." The word blessing here is from the root word "eulogeo." As in eulogy which is often given to honor a deceased person. It means a few things:
1. to speak well of
2. to thank
3. to cause to prosper (wow)
It made me wonder if in honor of his beloved cousin, and IN HIS GRIEF, he went out and did good. What a gloriously simple example.
And then in verse 22, Jesus retreats again to be alone. He comes out and again, IN HIS GRIEF, he performs another miracle (he walks on water and teaches Peter about trust).
In verse 34, IN HIS GRIEF, he heals the sick. Another miracle.
This is where I was due to stop reading but I kept going not even realizing that I was into chapter 15. Thank goodness because the above is only half of what God was showing me. As chapter 15 progresses, Jesus goes on to teach and preach, heal and love, feed and nourish. You guessed it. IN HIS GRIEF. In verse 33 of chapter 15,
"the disciples said to him, 'where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?'"I've asked Jesus that before.
"Jesus, how am I to have enough to feed others when I'm in a wilderness of my own with nothing left to give?"
It instantly took me back to the beginning of Jesus' grief where it said he went to a desolate (waste, solitude, wilderness, lonesome, bereft, deprived) place. How do we have enough in our hard places-in our grief, depression, sickness, pain, etc... - to give to anyone else?
I found the answer in Jesus' response to the disciples. I held my breath before reading because I knew the answer was coming, but I couldn't believe the answer was really coming. He took what little they had, he broke it, and gave it back to them. And it was suddenly more than enough. It was abundance. Then the disciples fed the thousands.
You give him your one, small piece of bread.
He breaks it.
He gives thanks.
He gives it back to you.
You do good with it.
How could you not also think of communion at this point? But that's more than what I could explain in this blog. Communion we take and communion with him daily... just ponder it.
After God showing me that connection, I had some thoughts. If we look at this and live it out, it means that IN all of our hardships, pain, grief, depression (IN IT!) we can do what Psalm 37 says, "trust the Lord and do good." Like Peter, we can fall, learn to trust, then accompany Jesus to heal some people on the other side of the water. It doesn't have to look like anything. Just do your good in whatever form you can.
The miracle is in the breaking.
If we let him, Jesus takes what little we have left over when we survive or are in whatever circumstance, and he breaks it and gives it back to us. We suddenly have more than enough for others. He does this SO THAT we continue to come to him, to serve him, to love him, to come to his sheep, to serve his sheep, to love his sheep IN OUR GRIEF.
THIS
IS
MIRACULOUS
Jesus didn't cover his grief with ministry work. He didn't pretend it wasn't there. He wasn't immune to it. He felt it. He honored it not just once. When grief hit him hard out of nowhere, he didn't run from it, he told it to pull up a chair and together they went to his father. And then he wiped his tears, went out and did good. All of this is grief. Crying, retreating, coming back out, doing good, repeat. Doing good is part of the grief which is why grief lasts forever in one form or another. It's not something you get over and it's done.
My closing prayer:
Jesus, help me to hand over what little I have to give so that it's enough. Refresh me to serve. Help me to trust you and to do good in this process even while in mental/physical pain, even in grief, even when I want to wallow and hide under the covers forever. Jesus, take what I have and break it, even if it hurts; just as your body was broken for me. FOR THE GREATER GOOD. Help me--this is simple but hard.
I adore you
Amen
