Adderall and Jesus

The greatest tragedy in humanity is when we do not wrestle with God, when we become so apathetic that we are but a limp rag doll in the hands of a mighty lover who wishes that we fight back; that we embrace Him and choose to find truth. Christ will seek the ends of the earth for the one sheep that has gone astray. He will fight the darkness to find His beloved, but when He holds us in His arms and we do not show any sign of life, then it is the heart of a King that is broken and all of creation will moan in the loss of another soul that was meant to dance in the courts of Heaven.

Take your doubts to Christ, let this fire grow inside you and become aware that He is wanting a heart that beats and seeks knowledge, He wants a mind that thinks and learns wisdom, and He wants a soul that cries out for help when it seems impossible to find. Because He broke down the gates of hell to rescue His bride, He is coming with a righteous fire in His soul and a joy that will wipe away every tear from your eyes; You just have to be willing and ready. -T.B. LaBerge

I write this blog as a former rag doll, pretending to be a real human, holding her own. 

I'm coming off of day two of being on Adderall and Zoloft together. What a trip! Day 1 was spent wondering, "is this how normal people feel?" Everything has felt so good! Suddenly, I'm aware of everything. Smells, sights, sounds. My own heart beating. Coffee doesn't have the hold on me that it did before, even though I still really enjoy it because IT'S COFFEE. I think I was trying really hard to self medicate with it, as crazy as that sounds. Wake up, get excited for coffee (which is what got me out of bed), drink coffee, get a little high, it lasts for an hour or two and that's it. Coffee got me through until about noon, while Adderall is a hug that lasts all day, ha! 

I have organized and gotten more accomplished in 2 days than I have in 2 whole years. I am unrecognizable. I'm also learning that maybe 2 Adderall pills a day is a bit much for me.  The first night, I went to bed at 4am and woke up ready to go at 6am. Night 2, I fell asleep at 10pm and woke up at 1am...you guessed it...ready to go (which is when I'm writing this). I know that this is the high of beginnings and the high of this new medicine in my body.  I know it will eventually even out and that both comforts me and terrifies me.  

Underneath all of this, I have some quiet fears. 
This feels good and I've come to question what feels good. I'm not used to it but I'm craving it.  
I fear that I'll begin to put all of my hope into these two little pills and I'll forget about Jesus. 
I'm afraid all of the angst I felt before was what made me a good writer and now my ink will dry right up. 
I'm scared I'll get addicted and keep needing to increase my dosage until I can't anymore and then what?  
I'm scared of this new feeling of good. 
I'm scared that I'm trying to sabotage the good of what it's doing for me with "what ifs." So much so that I'll quit. 
I'm scared that it'll affect my liver like Cymbalta did so many years ago and I'll have to quit taking it after getting a taste of what life can be like. I can't go back. 

I am really, really scared that it'll work. And I don't know why. 
Maybe it's because all of those years spent in darkness will suddenly feel so wasted.     
Maybe when the fog lifts, I'll be able to look back and see all that I could have given my kids in their early years, but didn't. 
At the same time, my mind is screaming, BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TIME; better to start now than to live in hopelessness forever. There is always time, as long as you're breathing. My God is reminding me that He will restore the years that the locust have devoured. And not just for my kids and husband...I am as important as they are and He will restore to us all the years that mommy was in a haze. 

Oh but this fickle heart...my heart's quiet voice is low but insistent. It speaks from fear and self-preservation. 

Listen to me, Courtney's mind.  Guard me. I am so scared and I want an out in case this doesn't work. Guard me. Let's not get too excited. You're getting excited and we need to calm down! We need to go back to what we're used to and write out all of the ways that this could go wrong so that when it does, it won't be so foreign. You will have predicted it, therefore you won't be so disappointed, right? 

Meanwhile, the Word of God--which is written on the very tablet of my heart and dwells within me--is screaming out:

THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEART AND YOUR MIND IN CHRIST JESUS, COURTNEY. YOU HAVE NO POWER TO GUARD YOUR OWN HEART, SO TELL IT THAT THE PEACE OF GOD WILL. 

NOT YOU. 

NOT ADDERALL. 

NOT ZOLOFT. 

NOT LISTS. 

NOT WELL LAID PLANS.

THE PEACE OF GOD, 

WHICH IS BIGGER AND MORE LAYERED AND SIMPLER THAN YOU COULD EVER UNDERSTAND WILL STAND GUARD OVER YOUR HEART AND YOUR MIND IN CHRIST JESUS. 

YOUR HEART AND YOUR MIND CAN'T TAKE TURNS TAKING CARE OF YOU ANYMORE. 

HIS PEACE WILL COVER YOU ALL. 

SO PUT ON HIS ARMOR AND LET'S GO.                       

Where Adderall can only take me so far, Jesus Christ has always and will always provide my every need, even when I don't know what that is.  There is no, "where Adderall ends, Jesus begins" crap. Jesus is all there is and I'm not adding medication to Him because He's lacking. He's GIVING me medication because I need it. 

Adderall has limitations, Jesus does not. 

I can have both Adderall and Jesus. I can have both medication and meditation. In fact, I need all of those things at once and that's ok. It's more than ok, it's the plan. 

So here I am at 3am writing, which is a new thing for me.  But right now, I can't NOT write. I'm going to have to ride this night out at the keyboard. 

I'm scared of getting better but I'm way more scared of staying the same.