(all of the following happens unless Isaac is working midnights and then add in "run around like a chicken with its head cut off while calling mom)
*Make sure his surroundings are safe (he can't fall off where he's sleeping, there aren't blankets around him, no toys are near him, etc). Try to get him to lie flat and turn him on his left side. Often times this doesn't happen immediately and if not, just let him be.
*Turn on the video camera on my phone while turning on all lights, immediately begin videoing even if it's not steady yet or he's in full focus because it also works to time the seizure.
*Yell for Zoe to wake up and grab his rescue meds if they aren't next to where he is sleeping and Isaac isn't home
*Video the seizure while reassuring Asher that I'm here and that his body is doing all the right things and to just rest in it. (you don't remember at this point that in the coming days, numerous medical professionals will be watching this video and what you say THEY WILL ALL HEAR)
*Follow the doctor's instructions and ask Asher if he can lift his arms (he can't) and ask him to answer basic questions (he can't).
*Rescue meds (rectal gel) are used if the seizure goes over 5 minutes, but now our rule is at the beginning of the seizure because we know his last at least 5 minutes. I remember how hard it is to get his body to bend to administer the gel and start testing out how stiff his hips are.
*If rescue meds are used, call 911 for an ambulance immediately.
*Put on the bra that I sleep next to in case this happens.
*Call mom to get the other kids while making sure I grab the phone charger and iPad, if handy.
*When the seizure ends, ask the questions the doctor asked you to video. Can you lift both of your arms in front of you? Hold your arms out to your side, now can you touch your nose with your left hand? Right hand? What is your name? Do you remember what happened?
*When the seizure is over or we are back from the ER, I take a deep breath.
*I lose it.
My body unclenches for the first time in hours and it hurts. All of the purpose is gone and i'm left in the aftermath. I don't have anything else to do, but think. I think about all the things that could have gone wrong. I could have missed seeing it. It could have been a big one that resulted in trauma to his head from hitting it. He could have stopped breathing. He could have died.
And my body aches and screams out rejecting those things and I let it. I get a headache and panic consumes me. I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted and I can't even explain my feelings. I use Facebook as an outlet and it helps even as I feel stupid about spewing it all there.
I wake up the next morning and I make my little man breakfast and listen to him talk about Minecraft and I wonder...I wonder how many seizures are coming and I want the answer to be zero so much I feel like I can will it to happen by sheer mother-strength. I can't.
Yes, I own the seizure because I have to pretend to when I know it's nothing I can handle. I don't own it. I can't even see it. I don't even know it. No one even knows for sure the type yet or where it's coming from in his brain. We don't yet know if we've controlled them and we don't know if we are using the correct medication or dose. After the seizure I feel less in control, less confident. Weaker.
I'll tell you another place I don't feel helpless and blood rushes through my veins as I feel the most empowered and filled with purpose I've ever felt. Doctor's appointments. I have my list of observations and questions I've been compiling, I have all of my videos, I've printed off the research I've done and it is more organized than my house ever THOUGHT about being.
But walking out of that same appointment? Texting people what she said and processing it at the same time? I feel like a different person than when I walked in. Less in control, less confident. Weaker.
Which is exactly where God wants me.
Bravado is not brave. Not really.
My strength is not strong.
God says:
The place God's very own power is perfected is within your weakness. So be weak.
Be weak, Courtney.
I want to end with saying that my bravado (show of boldness and courage) during times of stress serves a purpose. It gets me through the hard times and it enables me to do the next best thing over and over. And that's ok as long as I don't depend on my bravado as my bravery. Because it NEVER lasts. My body only believes that show for so long before it see it for what it is and I fall into my Father's arms.
Standing on a ladder doesn't make you tall.
Bravado doesn't make you brave.
Remember where your bravery comes from
and always fall back on Him.
My weakness = God's strength.
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