Within The Waiting

Have you ever fasted and prayed and waited and waited and waited while opportunity after blessing after {insert what you've been praying for} seem to pass you by until you scream WHYYYYY???  WHEN???????? Well, let me tell you a story. 

Isaac and I have been together for over 14 years. I just found out this morning that the whole year before he and I met, he had been fasting and praying while purposefully remaining single.  He didn't know he was fasting and praying for a wife WHO WASN'T EVEN SAVED YET. He didn't know that he was praying his future wife to salvation THEN to his own arms. I met Jesus only two months before I met Isaac. 

This reminds me that sometimes we fast and pray for so "long" because the very thing we seek isn't ready for us yet. So, we wait. 

And wait. 

And wait. 

And wait. 

Willow is me waiting 

And sometimes wait some more. 

Doesn't waiting sound like doing nothing, though?  Well, it's not. Here are some unexpected definitions of the word wait:

wait

to remain in a state 

in which you expect or hope 

that something will happen soon; 

to be ready and available; 

to supply the wants of;

to serve

In anger and impatience? How should we wait? What should that look like? 

Let's look at God's word and see what it looks like to biblically wait. Look at all of the action words found in some of the scriptures that tell us to wait. It doesn't seem like such a passive thing after reading these scriptures. 

Isaiah 40:31 But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
renew, mount up, run, walk

Psalm 27:13-14 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
look, be strong, take courage

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
seek

Psalm 33:20-22 Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.
heart is glad, trust, hope
*our soul waits FOR the Lord, not ON the Lord 

Psalm 37:34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
keep his way

James 5:7-8 Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.
be patient, establish
*side note: when have you ever seen a farmer sit idle and yet he/she is waiting. What happens after you plant? You tend to it daily until harvest and then you work some more. Then you start over. A continual cycle of work, wait, work while you wait, harvest, begin again. 

Think about waiting in adoption. 

You're waiting, but you're busy.  
Preparing your home, getting a pediatrician, filling out more paperwork than anyone can imagine, learning new dietary needs/preferences, dealing with setbacks, having home visits, doctor's appointments, et cetera times a million. 

Waiting is purpose. 

Think about waiting as a waiter at a restaurant. 
You're waiting on multiples tables, always moving. You are available and ready to provide people with what they need for their meal. You expect the food to be ready soon and you supply that food when it's still hot.  

Think about waiting as a believer. 
We're waiting as a bride waits for her wedding and groom. In a bustle of activity. Lots of preparation. Moving fast to make your wedding feel how you see it in your head (whether that's big or small or tons of details or not many details). Couples counseling and addressing any issues that may arise.  Blood tests, signing papers at the courthouse, preparing your home for two people with different tastes. 

When Jesus who I've been waiting for, comes, I want him to ask "what have you prepared for me? Who are we bringing with us?" 

It's not about performance 

in the wait, but preparation. 

Maybe God makes such a big deal about us waiting on Him because our soul already does. When our soul and our mind wait in mutual expectation of His arrival, it's a holy wait. It's when waiting becomes a furious flurry of action. We're waiting FOR Him as SENT people. It's a purposeful wait. 

Waiting can be excruciating, I get it.  I'm writing this as we wait on genetic testing results for our son that won't be in for another month.  But if we can see that there is purpose in waiting, and waiting doesn't mean sitting idle, then purposeful activity may just make us forget that we are waiting in the first place.  

The time will pass anyway. 

We get to choose 

how we will act 

within the wait. 

Busted Can Of Biscuits Lady Is My Spirit Animal

Just now, a dish fell within the cabinet and the sound of that made me react as if I had actually been stabbed.  I grabbed my chest and doubled over while half gasping/half breathing. 

It was a beautiful moment.

One I wish you had seen.  

Apparently that is my defensive stance. If anyone actually ever breaks in, I'm not sure the fetal position is the best position from which to protect my home. It's true, I react before I rationalize. 

You know that fake story of the woman who left her groceries in her hot car and when she got in, a can of biscuits popped open and hit her in the back of the neck and she thought she'd been shot?  SHOT! She thought the biscuits on her neck were her brains.  HER BRAINS! 

That woman is my spirit animal.  

What kind of evil monster...?

It made me think, while that kind of response can be typical with people when unexpected things happen like a car backfire or a loud noise, when we do it regarding the spoken word, it's rarely good.  

React first to what you hear or read and be rational later. Just hurry and get a viewpoint vocalized before someone else speaks!

If everyone is like this, then no one is really listening to anyone.  Everyone is just waiting to react. No one cares about being rational!  I don't like to imagine the type of world that would create.   I don't even have to imagine it when it's displayed so often on social media.  I see it daily. I fall into the trap of it more often than I'd like to admit because it's a human response.  I want more, though. I want to fight it and listen when people speak. 

Lord, teach us to hear what people are saying and let it sink in before we respond. 

When Painting Feels A Whole Lot Like Fixing

Lately I've been a little obsessed with painting all of the trim in our home white.  The first two days I didn't even use a little roller when I could have because I loved the feel of making the brush go up and down the trim that had grown grimy with age and...well, children. With each brushstroke I could see a glimpse of before and after. 

I kept standing back from my work just to see the spots where new white met old cream. It felt so good and productive.

I was fixing a problem and could immediately see the result. It was a high because it's what I yearn for with my real life problems. Immediately proof that I'm fixing it. Simple.  

As many of my mental issues are being resolved (depression, anxiety, ADD), it's uncovering other ones that I've been able to suppress. This won't be a quick fix I suppose. Wouldn't you know it, obsessive and compulsive tendencies are starting to arise.  I guess I always bypassed those with complete inactivity.

I'm coping by obsessively painting, obsessively cleaning and obsessively sorting Legos. I can't stop.  I don't want to stop to eat, I don't want to stop to cook for the kids, I don't want to stop to grocery shop.

I
JUST
WANT
TO
PAINT

Painting is fixing something that I can SEE immediately.  It's good and it needs done, but I need to slow down and schedule painting times around the things that need done in order to daily keep a house going.  

I'm having a hard time finding the balance, but I'll get there.  Like my therapist told me, "you don't have to fix everything at once." 

The Shore and The Sea (a poem)

Artist: Jake Fernandez 

Part 1: The Shore 

Standing on the shore of who You are

I don't even know how I got here

I see a wave

For the first time

I let the water touch my toes

Internally, I'm ruined

The knowledge

The truth
The love 

In that little touch of water

Is almost too much to withstand

The beat of my heart is savage

It scares me 

Longing for more
I confuse the ache for misery

So I do what I always do 
When feelings overwhelm me 
I run
As fast as I can back to dry sand

Breathless, I collapse

Deep breaths in
Slow breaths out 
Idly, I sift sand through my fingers  
As I wait for my disobedient lungs
To surrender and steady 

By then the water on my feet is dry

Oceanic residue remains 

Enough to transform

But there is too much of me underneath 

I have always been content on the sand

Making sandcastles, smiling at sunbathers 

Watching others jump in the water

But when I became curious

When I walked to the shoreline

And the water touched my toes

I knew

Even as I ran away from it

I knew

I must run toward it

I rise 

I quit thinking and 

Feel

The sun on my face

Drying the water from before

Leaving a film that itches 
And makes me crave

More of the water

I quit thinking and

Hear

The waves calling to me

Reminding me the water is still there

The birds of the air 
Sing a song that proclaims

Even we are not forgotten

I quit thinking and 

Smell

The salty air

Yes, even the air carries

The aroma of the water

Part 2: The Run

Suddenly I begin to run

Instinctively I know 
I cannot ease into this water

I must run and jump

There is no stepping in
Getting adjusted

Then moving in a little more

And a little more

And a little more 

Because I may stop moving

When I feel I am deep enough

There is no deep enough

I'm running

My legs are doing 

What my mind cannot

And I laugh

Not caring as the shells bite into my feet

Blood trails behind me on the sand
Coastland clues create a pathway of pain 
For others to follow

The running releases something within me

Adrenaline surges through my veins 
Suddenly I can't reach the water fast enough

I scream in agonizing anticipation 

Face flushed and hot

I'm scared I'll fall before I reach it

Die before I reach it

Part 3: The Jump 

Just as a wave crests before me, I jump

The seconds in the air are 
Unending, unbearable

When will gravity do its job

And force me down?

The splash beneath the water is 

More explosive than the one above

My fears have come true
I die with that dive

Part 4: The Death, The Birth

I no longer live, the water lives within me

My former self is pinned to ocean floor

Forever weighed down 
Beneath the dominion of the water

Submerged, I come alive 

With a gasp that sucks

In as much water as I can take

Then more

My lungs were meant to function 

Only for You

I belong to the water 

And its desire is for me

It's always been for me

Something new rises up within me

Infatuated with a passion

To share the endless, everlasting water

With those on the sand

Who build their castles in vain

And with those further away
In the valleys

Where they don't even know to 

Imagine water

Part 5: The Emergence 

I step out after a time of

Laughing, dancing, 
Floating, becoming

I can now leave the water 

Without the water leaving me

Consumed, I emerge 

Teardrops of water fall from my body

As I walk away from the ocean that
Slayed me and saved me 

As if lamenting the lost, they unceasingly drop 

Leaving an intoxicating fragrance in my wake

Multiplying with my motion

Part 6: Walking With Water 

To be continued 
Always 

SaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave

It's Time To Live Again

Last night, I went to a women's group with my mom and the woman leading it said one thing that hit me to my core. Has that ever happened to you? You could hear the one sentence anywhere...a TV behind the bar at a restaurant, on the radio, a line in a song you've heard a hundred times...anywhere. It doesn't have to come from someone speaking from a pulpit, but this time it did.  

I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying at the time because I was making sure the person who had Asher was getting him where he was suppose to go so that I could give him his meds on time and keep him on his strict bedtime schedule and texting and checking the time to see if we were going to make it and...

IT'S TIME TO LIVE AGAIN.

I stopped.  I put my phone down.  She said it again. 

IT'S TIME TO LIVE AGAIN. 

IT'S TIME

TO LIVE 

AGAIN

It was as if my Heavenly Father Himself stood in front of me, put each of His hands on my cheeks and leaned in to whisper in my ear...

My beloved daughter, it's time to live again. 

I have just been existing - not living - for far too long. A zombie, stumbling around my world. I don't know what it's gonna take to live but I need to acknowledge to myself and the world that it's not ok to wait one more day. 

The time of just existing was ok, I don't have to live in regret that I've been here. God will use it (and He already Has because I've learned so many rock-solid, lifelong lessons withIN it) but it has to be over. 

I don't even know who I am anymore. When I think back to the Courtney of 4 years ago and look at the Courtney now, I don't even recognize myself. The way I act, the lack of any real fun, no motivation to choose joy, everything SO heavy...willingly carrying baggage, CHOOSING TO CARRY IT OVER LETTING IT GO, every day.  

My pain feels so validated in the heaviness.

It's getting too comfortable. 

I'm beginning to find my purpose 

in carrying it. 

Oh, Jesus, help...

Like a blanket that's just a bit too heavy, I'm giving into just existing over living, surviving over thriving. Accepting this as my new normal.  I HAVE TO throw it off now. 

The longer I stay here, the longer I'll stay here. 

I need more than just existing or I'm going to die for good. I can't do this anymore. I can't exist from one session of spiritual CPR to the next.  Constant guilt that I can't STAY alive. 

A shock here, a jolt there from a 

holy defibrillator 

was never meant to 

sustain me for good. 

I need a new heart. 

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. 

And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh 

and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

I think this started with Celebration Church's first monthly prayer and worship night, Outpost 61.  We always, specifically, pray for two things: Our community and the temperature of our hearts. 

At the second Outpost 61, I couldn't stop singing, 

warm up my heart, God

warm up my heart, God

warm up my heart, God

warm up my heart, God

warm up my heart, God

No matter which song was played, I sang that phrase to its tune. And He started doing it.  And it hurt because I felt. Maybe He finally broke the last piece of stone from my once hardened heart just in time to hear someone speak that phrase. 

IT'S TIME TO LIVE AGAIN. 

All that said, I don't know what to do about it, I don't know anything. feel too weak to stop living in death BUT IT HAS GOT TO STOP; I HAVE TO WAKE UP! 

AWAKE, O SLEEPER, 

AND ARISE FROM THE DEAD,

AND CHRIST WILL SHINE ON YOU

It's ok though, because 2 Cor. 12:9 says that God's strength is perfected, where?  In. My. Weakness. It also says HIS grace is sufficient.  It's enough to wake me up. 

He's the sun shining through the curtains that first makes me stir.  The sun rays that fall on my face that lead me to stretch and yawn before I even realize I am waking up.  

He is our mourning's morning. 

His joy gives us strength to arise. 

It's over, it has to be over. 

Father, help me. 

Help your daughter arise.  

***

Imagining what happens after I rub the sleep from my eyes and look around: 

She arises and as her toes touch the carpet, she sees an open door on the other side of the cottage in which she's been sleeping.

She stands and the blanket falls to the floor. 

She leaves the cottage and walks to the edge of the property where there is a cliff.  She sees all of the safety nets that have been constructed to keep her safe.  She feels confused. 

Then...remembrance. 

She's spent her life constructing safety nets in her sleep.  Then jumping from one to another, but they seem to keep getting further and further apart. It has made her want to quit jumping at all. 

So today she will stop jumping. 

She looks down where she stands to see hedge clippers.  She knows what to do. She carries them to the edge of the cliff and starts the arduous work of cutting down all of those safety nets jutting out from the cliff, that lead to..where?  She doesn't even know...

Sweaty and exhausted but more alive than she's ever been, she makes the final cut as her nightgown whips around her legs. She sees the net ride on the wind for awhile before it disappears into the depths. 

She turns around and looks at the little cottage where she slept for so long. It's not home anymore. It looks unfamiliar.  She lets the clippers fall at her feet, she stretches out her arms, lifts her face to the sun and she lets the wind whip through her hair. 

She laughs without fear of the future.

She is in the moment. 

And she falls.

Free. 

She free-falls backwards off of the cliff, far past where she had once carefully placed safety nets.  She doesn't think, she doesn't wonder when it will end, she just falls in freedom. 

She falls...asleep. 

She wakes up to a peace she's never felt in her entire life. It is pure and it make no sense.  She loves it. She is at once satisfied with it and longs for more of it.  She opens her eyes to see what soft and sturdy surface has caught her. 

Hands. 

"Letting Go"

Artist: Bryn Gillette

Available here: ArtByBryn.com

SaveSave

People on Welfare and How We View Them

You may think when you read that meme that people don't really think that way or share that kind of thing publicly.  They do and they do. Obviously not all people, but there are people out there that talk this way at family dinners and mulling around outside of church before they go to lunch. People who "tell it like it is" share these things and tell us not to get "butthurt" (which is a word I can't despise enough). 

Sweet Jesus, are you serious?

My search to find mean memes shocked me.

I think that the way we view people who receive assistance (welfare, food stamps, medical cards) is disgusting. I'm not even talking about bills that are or aren't being passed, I'm talking about the memes that are shared. 

that was me once; using a food stamp card while holding an iPhone

Our family has been "those people." And before you say, "oh I'm not talking about you, you needed it." Stop. Yes you are. You're talking about me and you're talking about human beings. You can't lump us all together or separate as you please. 

And even if you do have the super power of weeding out the "moochers" and meme-ing only about them, do you know who you're also hurting?  Who gets hit by the cross-fire of your sarcasm and wit?  ME. Or the recently divorced mom of three who doesn't have insurance for her kids, a place to live or food in the pantry. It makes us feel less than, no matter what we know about ourselves. 

At the ascot factory 

Are you proud of yourself?  You really "got" those who take advantage of the system by posting a mean meme that also happened to crush the spirit of another human being trying to survive. So many hand claps to you, good job. 

Also, I'm sure you've seen the history of those moochers and are by their side showing them their worth and that they, whether accepting assistance or not, have a place in this world. 

Oh WAIT. You're stuck behind the glow of your smartphone, deciding who matters as you blast them with words and eye rolls.

Dear those accepting assistance in need. Dear those taking advantage of the system:

You matter. I see you. 

Love, 

Someone who has been there.

When I Finally WOKE UP

A few years ago, I experienced something brutal and beautiful. 

I began waking up. 

Years before that, I entered into this spiritually numb period that didn't even feel hard because I was so numb and just didn't care. Do you know when it got hard?  

The first little nudge I got to wake up (my 2nd visit to Celebration Church in 2011) and I rolled over. The sun was in my eyes and I was confused. I stretched and got a Charlie-horse. 

But being awake felt so good too. There was such a startling difference between the pain and the pleasure but I just kept feeling that being fully awake was going to be worth all of this.  It was hard to realize I'd been asleep for so long. What did I miss??

Now I can say it was worth it.  I've been rubbing my eyes and writing everything I can remember. Today, I'm metaphorically rising out of that bed, stepping into who He says I am and what He says I can do. 

I'm taking my cues from Him. Dying to self, rising a new creation. If you're in that stage where it's getting hard, let me encourage you it won't last forever and it will get better; it'll be worth it all, my friend.

And if you're in the numb period, take heart, you aren't alone. I've been through it which means many others have. Even when you don't feel Jesus, He's still there loving you as furiously as ever. He's still powerfully fighting on your behalf. 

Ask me questions if you're in any of these places, cry on my shoulder, message the heck out of me. I don't want what I've been through to be for nothing, those labor pains birthed out a testimony that gives Him glory and hopefully helps someone else. Share your stories with me, let's all rise up together!!

When My Wonder Wanders:The Battlefield of My Inattention

Satan speaks to me the loudest in my inattention. 

I was thinking, I've gotten more stuff done this morning in the time that Willow has taken a bath than I did in whole years. While Lo was bathing, I painted the dingey windowsill that I looked at for years and felt guilty about when I could have just painted it. 30 minutes and years of guilt are just painted over. This happens to me in different ways over and over day after day now and it is so healing. 

Sometimes the pain is worth it 

because the healing is so good. 

Having an attention deficit is so weird. It's not bad though, it's how God created my brain and it promotes amazing things. I look around my world in wonder more than other people and I stop to think about words to describe it and God speaks to me loudest there, when my wonder wanders. 

Imagine God on one shoulder and Satan on the other. My mind decides to take a stroll and...

Satan: You're worthless. You may as well just lie down and not do anything because you can't complete tasks like "normal" women. You have a dirty house and it'll always be like that so you may as well not even try. Oh and you forgot to pick up the kids from school. Ha! Of course you did. Good job, way to stay at home and "mom."   You're not a "real" woman, you are so lazy and incompetent. You. Will. Never. Change. 

God: STOP what you are doing, Beloved. Let your mind wander. Look up. Do you see how I have painted the sky today? I want it to remind you of (insert revelation). NOW, go write it out and tell my people with your capable hands. You are always enough because you are mine. 

Satan tries to shout louder than God while God ignores Him and speaks anyway. God's voice never changes. They are both speaking.  Where?

                           

In order to hush the enemy and hear God in my attention deficit, I have to learn how to control it (ADD) as opposed to it controlling me. I did that by recognizing it (being diagnosed), prayer, medication and therapy. 

I get to make what the world sees as my deficit work in me for the kingdom of God, not bulldoze me into inactivity with guilt. 

I've had to retrain my brain- transform it -by renewing my mind in His word. I had to go back and learn who He says I am and to get to know the rhythm of His voice again. That way, when they're both speaking I don't get overwhelmed and cover my ears, I stop and listen for whose rhythm of speaking matches the One I know. Pastor Steve taught me that little trick. 

For years I've let the enemy tell me who I am and I am DONE with that. In years past, if I needed to paint I would wait for Isaac to be off work because I just assumed I didn't know what I was doing. Now apply that to everything. So lately when those thoughts enter my mind, Jesus and the low dose of Adderall remind me to ask:

"Wait...why can't I?" 

No one in my life ever told me I couldn't do stuff. My mom can do anything and she always reinforced that idea in me. Isaac WANTS me to be able to do these things for myself. It's the enemy and I'm not taking it anymore. I'm painting this month because I can do things. I can buy the paint and just do it. It's wild to think I ever thought I couldn't. 

Whatever your deficit is, it is never too late to look at it in the face and say, "YOU ARE NOT TAKING ME DOWN FOR ONE MORE SECOND." Even though I waited 36 years I will not mourn not doing it sooner. I'm just starting from today. 

Your mission. Look for where you feel your deficit is. Name it. Look at how God uses it for good and thank Him for it. Then however is best for you, take control of it and shut the enemy up. 

It's how you were made 

therefore your deficit is sufficiency 

when you let God speak to you IN IT. 

Get to know the rhythm of God's voice because you have that access as His beloved child. Then go change the world with your "deficit."