I'm Raising a Warrior, Not Manufacturing a Robot

Ash has been on a few medicines to control his epilepsy.  In big and small ways, they have all led to some combination of him being defiant, emotional, aggressive, unfocused, sleepy, forgetful, and hungry. It makes for very interesting days and sometimes I don’t know what to do with him. I know that his body is completely out of control and he can’t process it let alone deal with it and function as he used to, but I also know that he needs boundaries.  Just maybe not the typical boundaries you would place on an 8 year old. It’s a very tough place to be at his mother. 

So if you see us out and I’m not punishing or redirecting or *handling* him in a way you think is effective, because you either don’t know us or forget all that is going wild within his little 8 year old body, remember this…

I am raising up a warrior, not manufacturing an obedient, unquestioning, robotic soldier only capable of following commands. I am concerned about his heart and I want him to always know this: 

if you feel like you can’t be messy and complicated anywhere else, you can always be that with your mama. I will love you in your mess and help you figure out ways to cope. I won’t let you be unkind, hurt others or take advantage of the fact that I’m loving you in this, but while we are in this “figuring it out” stage, I’m giving you a heck of a lot of grace. 

I’m following my Heavenly Father’s lead in this, remembering what He does for me and doing that for our child. At this point, I don’t even think Ash is capable of taking advantage of my love for him in this.  He’s just surviving.  We all are. 

I may mess up sometimes and give him more room to be naughty and get away with it because the thought of him on all of these medications makes my heart hurt, but I always want to err on the side of love and give him room to work this all out in a safe place. As long as I’m doing that, I have all the room in the world to mess up, try again, and see what happens.  I may get overwhelmed in this medically complex life, but I’ll never lose heart. We as a family will never lose heart.  

Asher has a big purpose in this life and no matter what it takes to keep him safe enough to fulfill it, I’ll do it.  Sometimes I have a really tough time knowing exactly what to do for him, but I KNOW how to love him. I'll do that for all of my days. 

Asher’s heart and his flesh 

and his lungs and his immune system 

and his skin and his vision 

and his attention and his brain synapses 

and his focus and his medication may fail 

BUT GOD 

is the strength of his big ol' heart 

and his portion forever. 

Amen!