When Peace ACTUALLY Doesn't Make Sense

In epilepsy life, I have times where I feel the following way: Really scared and really numb, which is an odd combination of feelings.  

It’s like I don’t actively fear what is to come, but controlling the disease is always in the back of my mind.  Almost like a check off list. 

Pick up meds from CVSAdminister medsFear what they’ll do and fear what will happen if they don’t work 

Plan, plan, plan. 

Repeat, repeat, repeat

Check

Check Check

I can’t tell if what I’m feeling during these times is peace or numb fear.  

peace: 

harmony; period of time when there is no war or fighting

numb: 

unable to think, feel, or react normally because of 

something that shocks or upsets you

fear: 

to expect with alarm

Maybe it's that all of this practice at keeping fear at bay is paying off but I just can’t tell because it’s such a foreign idea. Am I in a war or am I just hiding in the trenches while it's quiet?

Maybe it’s the peace 

that doesn’t make sense 

that I asked for.  

The what ifs are there, but it’s more like I’m looking at them with curiosity for a moment then looking away. 

I hope that it's peace and that's enough for now.