Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Heart and Hand



I took a picture of my hand holding Asher's last night after he had a five minute seizure. His arm was still stiff so I just put his hand in mine until it eased up as he drifted off to sleep. Our hands up close like this reminds me of the shape of a human heart. 

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 
It is to decide forever to have your heart 
go walking around outside your body.” 
Elizabeth Stone 

That quote always reminds me of God sending His son to earth. He loves us so much that He gave.

He gave He gave He gave 

He gave...us His heart. He let His heart walk around outside of His body for us. I don't even care right now if the theology is fully correct on this one, it's just how I'm imagining it right now and God is ok with that. 

So instead of feeling scared or sad or hopeless about this seizure, I'm going to learn from my Father and focus on giving today. 

I'm giving Asher back to God. 
I'm not focusing on how many days seizure free we are. 
I'm giving my kids extra kisses and grace. 
I'm going to pour myself out to the world today. 


It's the only way. I can stay within my shell and think and research and wonder and cry which is ok some days BUT NOT THIS DAY. Today I can either let the "what ifs" pile up on me until I'm buried beneath them or I can RISE UP and give. 

Today is a day to give. I can feel it. You should do it too. When you see an opportunity to give (whatever that means for you in the moment), think of Asher and do it. 

*** 

His heart and his flesh and his lungs and his immune system and his skin and his vision and his attention and his brain synapses and his medication may fail BUT GOD is the the strength of his heart and his portion forever. 
(See Psalm 73:26)

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Monday, February 27, 2017

Still of the Flesh; Merely Human (So Much Ugh)

“for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way? For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not being merely human? What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building.”1 Corinthians 3:3-9 
Good grief this sounds familiar, huh?  Let's break it down a little and see how it manifests in us today. 

We are like, SO human, right??? He's talking to the church here (Christians) and it reminds me of how we get all prideful of our pastors, churches, and specific denominations.  Which I GET because I'm prone to be the chiefest of sinners in that department.  It starts out as excitement for what I love but all too quickly, my human self decides to make it a pride issue.  


Mere humans say things like: 
"my pastor is the best and everyone should learn under him," 
and 
"my church is RIGHT and the only one worth attending. If you don't attend here, you're going to hell." 
and 
"I'm pentecostal and speak in tongues which means that if you don't you could NEVER (hair flip) be on my spiritual level.  God and I (holds up hand, crosses fingers), we're like this. Speaking in tongues is our wi-fi and that signal NEVER GOES OUT."  
(not that I've ever been prideful about speaking in tongues..except...ugh, I used to be because I'm sooooo humannnnn).

Even though I'm as prone as anyone to this thinking, it makes me feel...I don't know...it's hard to put into words...

Except I wasn't because church folk aren't supposed to say that, amiright?

Mere humans: #teampaul vs. #teamapollos 
Meanwhile Jesus is all, "hey, I'll just be over here teamless."   

Paul is planting, Apollos watering, God giving the growth, all just doing their thing.  

But flesh.

Our flesh is assigning sides where there are none.  This causes division when God has assigned different passions and works for different people and churches IN ORDER for them to work TOGETHER.  Ahem, that's the point. It says up there in 1 Corinthians that, "He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor." What does that tell us?  That we are "one" with the very people we want to separate from in order to be right; or to receive accolades when we shouldn't want those anyway.  

We need to come together as ONE body, many parts (see 1 Corinthians 12).  God will reward us in heaven according to the things He told us to do that we actually did.  God gives YOU the grace to accomplish what He called YOU to do. 


If you have a passion to build houses, 
your Creator put the ability 
to accomplish that within you.

Build houses with all of your heart
 as if you are building them for the Lord 
who enabled you to do it. 

He didn't put that natural ability in me 
but He won't judge me on 
my ability to build houses either.  

Get it?  There's a lot of freedom in that. Man didn't assign us these works; therefore, the opinion of man on how well we perform doesn't even matter.  God assigned these works, so we should always work in the strength He has given us, with all of our hearts, working for the Lord and not for man (see Colossians 3:23). 

Look at the following set of scriptures.  Stick with me, alright? It's long, but worth it. I mean you've read this far, you can keep going! 

Unity in the Body of Christ
 Ephesians 4 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.Therefore it says, “When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.”(In saying, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? 10 He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.) 11 And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, 14 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

God has joined this whole thing together, stop trying to separate it! 


"...neither he who plants 
nor he who waters is anything, 
but only God who gives the growth."

Let's remove ourselves from the equation because we are nothing. That sounds harsh, but God doesn't need anything.


And yet He uses our nothing.  

This is an insane miracle. Math that doesn't make sense (which, let's be honest, is all math for me). Let's stop picking sides (churches, denominations) and let's believe the bible. Let our denominations and churches exist to WORK TOGETHER and let's go harvest this field y'all.  

Matthew 9:36 When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few;38 therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

We don't have time to cause division when there aren't even enough people willing to harvest the land THAT IS READY.  All we have to do is go, arm in arm with koinonia*, working within our own God-given passions and talents.  We can celebrate one another's strengths while not diminishing our own--especially when we recognize that though they may be different, the strength comes from God anyway.


Celebrate the God of the Strength 
instead of how it manifests in different people. 




*Koinonia is my favorite. 
Here are some phrases that try to explain what I feel is unexplainable: 

How I always think of it: The underlying connection that believers in Jesus have with one another. Underlying beneath church walls, denominations, borderlines and anything that can potentially separate us. Pastor Steve says that it's the connection (in Jesus) you would have with a Christian in Uganda that you don't have with the neighbor across the street who doesn't know Jesus. 


Wikipedia says that koinonia "is translated 'fellowship' twelve times, 'sharing' three times, and 'participation' and 'contribution' twice each." Also, "Communion that begins with a joining of Jesus with the community of the faithful."  

"A powerful example of what koinonia should look like can be found in a study of the phrase 'one another' in the Bible. Scripture commands us to be devoted to one another (Romans 12:10), honor one another (Romans 12:10), live in harmony with one another (Romans 12:161 Peter 3:8), accept one another (Romans 15:7), serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13), be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32), admonish one another (Colossians 3:16), encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11Hebrews 3:13), spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24), offer hospitality (1 Peter 4:9), and love one another (1 Peter 1:221 John 3:113:234:74:11-12). That is what true biblical koinonia should look like." I got that here.


Definition: "intimate spiritual communion and participative sharing in a common religious commitment and spiritual community <the koinonia of the disciples with each other and with their Lord>" I got that here.

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Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Majestic Miss Understood (so many pictures of unicorns, you guys)

{Insert movie voice}
"Imagine a world
where we all just gave each other a break." 

stares off into the distance 
imagining rainbows, unicorns 
and all things majestic but uncaptureable  





somebody take my money, i want this 


Whoa. I'm getting off track.  Back to the ol' bloggy blog. 

I have a hard time writing. Not because of me, but because of you...annnnnnddddohhhhkayyyy because of me. One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood. 


see? i'm not the only one...
although she spells it a little differently than i would...
why do people needlessly change the spelling of wordz????
i digress...

The fear of being misunderstood affects my writing process. I attempt to pillow my writing in a way that--if it won't make everyone happy--it will at least come across as respectful. I try to cover every argument and question you may have about what I'm saying BEFORE you can even question me. Ok, ok and it's partly because I'm scared of confrontation (even the constructive kind). My heart races and I decide I'm just not going to address you because it's scary and you may be offended and blah blah blah. A few times I've been found bent over, dry-heaving and saying, "NEVER AGAIN WILL I WRITE OUT MY THOUGHTS," when someone has come up against me. And then...God makes me do it again anyway. 

 Rich Mullins knew what was up 

But guess what? YOU are an adult. I'm not giving you enough credit to take what I say, throw out what doesn't resonate with you, keep the rest, and then discuss it with me. If you aren't grown enough to do that well then you're a big ol' baby and that's on you. If I disrespect you with my words then call me out, good people! Please! We'll talk it out together. I'm all about learning and growing. 

If my words do not represent who I am 
(or want to be) 
then I want to know about it.  

Sometimes we can't see that in ourselves 
and it needs to be pointed out to us. 
Be open to that.

I want to be confident in my writing and able to communicate what I believe even if it's unpopular--even if my wimpy little metaphorical voice shakes. Even if my fingers tremble as I type out the words. 


Know what else? I WANT TO MAKE MISTAKES. I want permission to have the wrong ideas about things so that I can grow. Social media doesn't give me that permission so I'll have to give it to myself. 

God instructs me speak, not "speak only when you've got it all figured out" because I'll be working out my salvation for my entire life (see Philippians 2:12). With...you guessed it...fear and TREMBLING.

Look at what he tells us to do (the bold print is mine) :

1 Peter 3:13-16 Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.
 Acts 18:9 And the Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you 

Proverbs 31:8-9 Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy. 

For a few more examples of him calling us to open up our mouths to speak, see:

Matthew 10:19-20
Romans 10:8-9
Colossians 3:16-17
2 Corinthians 10:5
Hebrews 13:15
2 Timothy 3:14-17
Ephesians 4:15 

I have to trust you with it all, reader, because God trusted it with me and I trust Him. I am an ambassador for Christ; an ambassador who is not perfect like the One who sent me. I make many mistakes as I grow. 

God placed me as a little seed in the ground and I grow stronger and stronger each day as I break through the soil, ever reaching for the sun. I'm not as strong as I'll be fully grown, but I'm not that little bud breaking through the soil either.  Both are strong in their own ways, but the longer we reach toward God, the more wisdom we'll have. We won't be perfected until heaven so don't expect perfection from another human being.  

I have to be ok with 
not being perfect 
because sometimes I  
really find my voice 
in the imperfections. 
In the mistakes.

Everything is so permanent online but guess what takes that power away? Being open to admitting when you're wrong or you just don't know. What the heck is so scary about THAT? I think it's freeing. 

Rather than being right all the time, I'd rather have consistency. Consistent truth in love while recognizing that my track record shows me that I've changed my mind a few times about what truth is. 

That doesn't change truth. 
It changes me.

Be easy with me friends! I'm bound to let you down sooner or later if I haven't already. It's cool.
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Saturday, February 25, 2017

Why You Gotsta Be Like That, Toddler? Hashtag Geez


When you are emotionally spent because of..whatever, guess what?  Your kids still need you.  I wrote that sentence like: 


When someone dies, or is diagnosed, or you're sick, or your significant other has an affair, or your child experiences anaphylaxis AGAIN, ET to tha CETERA! It doesn't matter, kids don't care. 



It's exhausting and not their fault, but man, it's hard. I often feel like when I'm at my most worn and sad and confused, that is when 3 year old Willow needs me the most but I feel like screaming at her, "GET AWAY AND LET ME GRIEVE/BE SAD.

"LET ME PROCESS, TODDLER!"

How dare they still need us when we need so much ourselves! That's how I feel anyway. Guess what this blog is not?  Inspirational.  I'm sure there is a reason that toddlers gotsta be like that.  

For their good, 
for our good, 
for our lessons 
and their lessons 
and blah blah blah. 

You can quote me on that majestic inspiration. But I just want you to reassure you that if you notice this phenomenon, so do I.  Know that I'm with you, fellow survivors.