You know, I talk to you guys a lot about not getting into the comparison game with other kids/parents, right?
Well something occurred to me today. Sometimes you may see videos or pictures of other kids excelling at things that your child struggles with. Maybe it's a struggle your child will eventually learn (like potty training) or maybe it's something they'll never get (maybe your child won't ever walk).
While it's important to try really hard not to let bitterness and sadness creep in...sometimes it's just gonna invade. Sometimes we're just going to be sad about it. That's ok. I'm giving you permission to grieve and releasing you from heaping guilt upon your already bruised heart because you think, "I shouldn't compare."
Ideally no, you shouldn't for your own sake.
But ya know what?
Sometimes you just will.
So then what? Instead of battling it with guilt, denial and/or fake optimism, how about we get some tools in our arsenal to battle those feelings in an effective way. These are the steps that are effective for me, as I raise medically complex and developmentally delayed children:
1. Feel those feelings for a minute. It's ok. Let them enter your mind and look at them. Grieve. If you can, ask God how He's speaking in those thoughts. It may reveal a big truth about yourself you may not have realized in another way.
2. For me, my biggest weapon is the Word of God. I just start speaking it. It helps me take the unproductive thoughts captive and remember my truths.
3. I thank God for the child I'm comparing to my child and for his/her strengths. That sweet, fearfully and wonderfully made, knit together child of God who is excelling in ways my child may never excel. I remember in that moment that all children have their strengths and weaknesses but they work together as pieces that form the puzzle of who that child "is." For my child, for your child and for the future of this world; diversity is so beautiful. I know this, but sometimes pain makes me forget.
4. I thank God for the strengths of my own child. Willow, for example, loves so hard. I wish I could be like her in that way! I can't believe such a fierce lover of the world came from my own body.
5. I speak the truth out loud. I take away the power of my brain forging rabbit trails of "what ifs." One ginormous truth is that my children are exactly who they are supposed to be right now and I love them all how they are. While I want to give them the tools to best help them navigate the world, I don't want to change them.
Another example of a truth that I can proclaim out loud: Willow develops later than other kids. She's got low muscle tone and falls a lot. She can't speak most words or phrases yet and communication is so frustrating for her. I only have this one day with her. I won't spend it in the company of comparison.
I have to protect my mama heart--words are the only weapons I have. Living in my head is the biggest detriment to my day.
Sometimes those steps work and sometimes I wallow.
*shrugs* what are ya gonna do?
**side note: it's ok that people are proud of their kids and post things. Of course it is. I'm not saying what I always feel is rational and I'm not mad at the kid or the parent. I just want life to come easy for my kids even if that's not the point or even what's best for them. It's why I would make a terrible God.
Perfect love doesn't mother in fear, and I do, sometimes. So I have to trust that they are fully loved and created by Love Himself and then trust that He gave them to me for a reason. Because I am capable to parent them.
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