I Was Feeling Weird Feels, So I Texted A Friend...

I texted a friend this morning because things were starting to get confusing within me.  It all stemmed from a kidney stone I had yesterday (it was the 2nd one in less than 2 months). I'm just going to make the rest of the blog my text and her reply because I think that, no matter what you're facing, her reply is relevant. She loves Jesus and He shines through her consistently  I just don't know what I would do without Allison Kays, y'all.

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My text:

I am feeling weird feels. 

I'm worried that I'll have to stop Adderall because of kidney stone stuff. I don't want to go back to the old Courtney now that I know what THIS is like.. I couldn't, ya know?  So I woke up feeling kind of down. Confused. 

Do you know what I'm consistently figuring out about myself in all of this change within me? When I'm in a good place, I don't know how to just have a bad day. It's like if I feel down at all, it means I've failed and it's all going away. I'm comfortable in the "down." It doesn't feel natural to be happy so I don't know how to live it within a bad day. I'm also afraid that I'm looking for any excuse to run back to the bad. 

I can be sad. I can have bad days. It doesn't mean I'm failing at being happy. It's just life. I know this in my head, I just don't know how to do it. 

Even telling you...it makes me worry that you'll think "oh man, I really thought she was better and here we are again. It's all slipping away, I should have seen this coming. It's always something. She'll never be ok." 

1. I know you wouldn't think that. 

2. I know you wouldn't think that. 

I know it's not rational, but I still can't get those things out of my head. The point of me "being better" is not that I'm up all the time.  I promise I know this. 

Allison's (God inspired) reply:

So, here are some things:

1). Are kidney stones a side effect of Adderall, like officially? 

2) Even if they are, who's to say you couldn't switch to a different ADD medicine? 

3) Could the kidney stuff be related to the Zoloft instead of the Adderall? If so, there are tons of other SSRIs to try. 

4). Satan LOVES to taunt us with memories of times in our lives we never want to return to. He lies, and lies, and lies, saying, "Ha! You thought you could do this?! You thought you could change?!" when we have a moment that reminds us of a hard time in our lives.

One thing I've learned (especially with depression, but definitely anxiety and panic, too), is that when bad days come & fearful thoughts try to bully me into believing that I'm defeated, I just roll my eyes, shake my head, and remember, "Oh. Right: This is what Satan does. He'll give up soon."  

This is gonna sound silly, but I imagine Satan like Jim Carrey as the The Grinch. The scene that comes to mind is when he's trying his best to scare Cindy Lou Who and she just giggles at him, even when he's all up in her face! Laugh in his face, Courtney--God has made a way for you!

5) I remind myself all the time that bad days dealing with depression and anxiety are like clouds in the sky; they will always pass, and more importantly, they are NOT the sky itself! 

6) Last thing: you will never, ever, ever be the "old" Courtney. Regardless of what happens with your meds, there is a part of you that can't un-know what you know now. God has given you tools and wisdom and revelation that mean you can't go back to being "that" Courtney, medicine or not. Praise Jesus that He plants seeds in our souls that absolutely cannot be dug up, and will always remain as a sign of His faithfulness! 

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p.s. you guys: Jesus, Allison and a bunch of other people totally loved the "old" Courtney, so I have this safety net of people around me that love me just the way I am, old or new.  And they don't love me within those labels.  They just love me. It's the sweetest thing and I pray everyone has that.